Pre-Therapy Freaking Out

I am trying to keep this positive.

I am trying to keep myself focused.

I am just having a little trouble.

I almost killed myself yesterday.

It would have been death by car, suicide unknown.

It would have been suicide unknown because what I did was so stupid I must have been trying to take my life. I decided to drive myself to my appointment when my blood draw was scheduled for 8am.

It was only at Dartmouth!

This is part of the perk of being treated locally, my appointments should no longer be a burden. I can drive myself.

I was so excited I was again being treated close to home.

I wanted to prove I could be independent in my care.

I had also just driven to Manhattan and back with no problem, but that was two days ago.

My cancer has been slowly but surely kicking my ass over the past three weeks, first with my swollen abdomen, then with increased pain, and hen with emergency appointments, scans, and a biopsy that tried to rule my life only to be coupled with a few personal tragedies, like losing my monthly income, being robbed, and having Jon be worked up for Colon Cancer.

There is an extreme amount of stress I our household. We do the best we can with it.

What do I do when I hit this level of anxiety?!

I FREAK OUT!!!!!

No, just kidding.

I do projects, projects after projects after projects. I organize things.

I try to coordinate my life, putting everything in sequential order so when the day does come that the chemotherapy does lay me flat on my ass my family wil be prepared, my house will be prepared, I will be prepared.

Projects, such as organizing the house, give me a sense of control. I need to know I can access my needs, such as food, when I am alone.

I set up my bedside table just so: with a fan and a bedside lamp, a few key medications by my side always, a glass of water, a glass of juice, and some ritz crackers.

I’m trying to create an overall schedule for life, specifically childcare, housecleaning, and grocery shopping.

Jon is taking classes two night a week, Monday and Weds. We need daycare. We have two people who have offered to possibly do it but not committed.

We also have a person who may or may not do afterschool care, but won’t commit.

This whole school care is making me very anxious. I don’t want to leave him with someone I deem unsafe, and being unreliable makes me crazy.

I have talked to his teacher next year, Brenda, and we’re going to hang out and have some pool dates with our kids so when Xander enters the classroom he sees someone he knows well.

We all ready hang out a couple times a week a games, but no we’re making it officially.

I am also now worried about who will care for me since, from yesterday’s events, I clearly can’t drive.

I think the nasty sequence of events started the evening before.

I am anxious.

I am declining quickly.

Soon I am going to again be punished into watching reality tv, and home improvement shows.

I only pray I’ll have the ability and strength to read and write.

I took some ativan to calm my nerves, but I was really nervous and one didn't work.

I took 2 mg to help me rest.

When it was time to sleep, I took my ten mg of ambien, as usual.

I woke up at 5am to x choking and blood pouring from his nose.

I definitely woke up for THAT. I was awake when I stuck him in the tub and stuck gauze in his nose, but somewhere along the line I fell back asleep only to find X had stopped his nosebleed and wasnow up and dressed to go to Meme’s.

Meme has been taking care of him recently, and X is loving every second of it. If he thinks he is heading to meme’s the countdown will begin days in advance.

HE certainly loves her, and we’re lucky to have a family that will help.

I got him to meme’s house, just 3 miles down the road just fine. I had my coffee and my two smoothies, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.

I stopped in Windsor before I hit the highway for a coffee coollata.

I took as many large chugs as I could, hoping he influx of caffeine would help open my eyes.

It didn’t.

When I saw I couldn’t keep my eyes open, I am not take about boring Mr. D’s science class in high school where you at least poked one eye out due solely to intimidation.

No, I was falling asleep! There was nothing I could do about it.

Ambien specifically warns that trouble waking may occur and participating in events but having trouble remembering is also a problem (this sounds like sleep walking or sleep partying, sleep something anyway when translated into common language).

You are told not to operate heavy machinery.

Ativan also says these things, but it had been 12 hours since taking the two.

I think they just rose up together to kick my ass and thankfully I survived.

I will either not be combining those meds anymore or certainly not driving on the combo.

When I got to the hospital I immediately fell asleep on my favorite love seat in the waiting area, and then I fell asleep on the exam table.

I was so out-of-it I wasn’t able to jump from the table to tell Marc and Anna how Hugely excited I was that I was in their care again.

They actually both, cautiously helped me off the table, which is a sign they thought I looked SICK.

I am sick. I have declined so rapidly in the past 3 weeks, breathing is difficult, I break into cold sweats eaisly, I get the shakes, I have night sweats that leave lasting “hillary spots,” and I tire to the point of exhaustion by two. These could also be symptoms many woman can relate to (see carton below), but mine are not, they are cancer.

Does anybody understand why I am freaking out?

I am running out of time to prepare.

Who will do the grocery shopping?

Ideally, I think Jon should every week. But will he remember, or be willing to pay,for the food I eat, like magoes, papayas, yogurt, refried beans, rice, carrots, etc.?

Hopefully we can make a schedule so our lives may be easier.

Right now, I’m freaking out, and I’m trying not to.

I want to be positive. I want to bring you great news.

I want to focus back on the great fact that I know have Anna as my nurse practitioner and Dr. M. Gautier as my new go-to guy, and I love these providers. They have seen me through a lot. They worked very hard to gain my trust during the initial transplant. I didn’t tell them I missed them, but there will be plenty of time for that.

They will also work closely with Dana Farber to consult on my needs and my Primary Care Physician, Dr. Paul Matzkin, so all three or on the same page regarding pain control.

I am excited that these health professionals are all willing andable to colabrate on a patient extensively for my needs.

This makes me feel comfortable.

But this also makes me excited that I am one step closer to starting my Patients as partners network.

I have the people. I think if I build it, they will come.

I hope to have the grant outline from the Federal Stimulus Money for online medical communication information by August 15 (happy Birthday to me).

After this point, I will start writing, answering and researching whatever I can to bring this project to fruition.

HOORAY!