I always suspected, and have said in the past, that watching a loved one suffer through illness is worse than the actual suffering. 

Now I know. 

Or I think I know what I thought I knew. 

This goes to show no maTter how much you live, how many experiences you have, life is still a learning experience. 

I'll never know or understand everything, but that's the fun of it. 

Or its supposed to be. 

I'm not having fun right now. I can hear x struggling, moaning in his sleep. His breaths fast and shallow. His body's on fire from temps ranging from 101.5-103.8 since last weds. He was being treated here safely. He was drinking 1.5 litre daily which is recommended according to his weight. He has been taking tylenol and motrin every two hours to control the fever for a week now. Yesterday, He couldn't keep any fluids down. He hasn't peed. He felt paralyzed in the tub. His nail beds were blue. We decided after 6 days of suffering, we were going to wave the white flag and bring him to the hospital, even though we knew he Does best during the day. 

When we got to dartmouth, where multiple MDs told us to go, his temp was normal!! And he was feeling better. I looked around the room. There was a wheelchairbound man with cellulitis that couldn't go to the bathrom bc his chair was to big for the door. There was a middle aged woman dragging one leg behind her into the triage room. The kiddie distraction area was filled with a family. A nurse sat patiently in her scrubs, probably a needle stick, as she was called in quickly. A man with a urostomy bag tied to his ankle was wheeled in by his caretaker. Most disturbing, a pale/greenish bald man tried to with a white medical brace around his abdomen, possibly holding his sutures together. 

We left the er after being told it would be a two hour wait.

 This morning its more of the same. He's going to his primary care without treatment; feverish, shaking and vomiting as soon as daddy gets here.