The Price of Treating Me

Price of treating lung infection: 

Two Dr.s Visits: $950. 

CXR: $650

3 rounds of antiobiotics, nebulizer treatments and fluids: $230

 Dusting done by housecleaners (who failed to follow contract): 5 hrs/ $100 Finally breathing Free: Priceless.

 I am under so much stress. 

My head hasn't exploded yet, but I'm pretty sure my brains are slowly oozing out of my ears. 

It's a phenomenon known as "chemo brain" and very little is known about its pathophysiology. 

If it has anything to do with the "gray matter" that comprises 60 */* of your brain and would ooze out your ears, we'll probably never know since that's "owned" (aka patented) by a biopharmaceutical company and is exempt from the law that keeps people from claiming and charging for gravity.

 How'd we go with out floating off all these years? 

We'll never know. 

Stressed? Me? Why? 

Maybe because I go for chemo in NYC tomorrow and have no known accomodations despite calling and emailing Dr. O's office obssessively (I've since gotten a late night call saying if I haven't heard from Hope Lodge, it's the hotel, yay). 

Maybe because I'm so broke I'm edging towards Plan Z, which originally was doing barely legal porn, but since I've aged have changed to being the boss of a drug cartel.

The stress has trickled down to x and I hate that. I try to hide it but when I'm parenting alone it's a little hard. I want him to have all the opurtunities and the good childhood I did. He should have happy memories and know how much I love him. 

I've kept family traditions: coaching sports, going to the fair, christmas, easter egg hunts, camping, sports camps. I want him to always have something to look forward to.

 The stress from school seems to be easing, but he did get a pass from going today since my respiratory infection has become his infection.

The only reason I have any sanity is because of the wonderful support I continue to receive. 

Thank you everybody. 

I don't mention anybody because I'd never stop, but here goes: 

THANK YOU

JB for organizing my house, D and N for always being available for rides, food, etc., BK and SW for being women I can fall on, my sis who is always there, L who got me into "huffing," my parents obviously, my in-laws for always being there too, devyn for starting my etsy acct (HGraceJewelry.etsy.com), J for being our "rock," aunt B for hiding bill stress and her entire family (baby N included), another Aunt B, as in Becky, for your never ending support, Aunt P for being you,Val a fav on line friend, carol renzlemen for helping with my PS I love you letters, I miss you and need you back, F you know what you do, donna O for never ending support. 

I'm so sorry for leaving anybody out. I just needed to make a list of what I should be eternally grateful for to get me out of this funk.

 You all are what is keeping me alive and happy. All the comments touch my soul. 

Thank you to Conn. River Bank for making getting a mortgage stress free, The Java Cup and Shear Success for selling my jewelry and art. 

Finally, BIG THANKs to Lambert Auto seeling Jeeps and Dodge in Claremont NH off Maple Ave. who saved us from starving by donating my brakes, without which I would not have an inspect able car to drive. 

They did this without even knowing the full extent of our financial stress which also includes replacing J's breaks, which he did with his Dad. 

I'm so fortunate in so many ways, but right now, I'm having trouble recognizing this. 

I've decided I'm sick and exhausted. I haven't had time to myself. 

I just need to stop and relax. Hopefully this will happen soon. 

J is home. So many people are here to help. 

After going to NYC I'm going to spend a week in bed writing and doing art. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I mean some day soon our finances will be able to sustain us, the symptoms of my cancer will ease and life will ease up.