Last spring, probably in April, around the time of my last pet scan, Xander and I were bonding.
We were sitting around on the floor in the house, playing games, watching tv, and having meaningful conversations.
"Mom." X says seriously, "for christmas, I am going to ask santa to make you better."
"WHAT?!" Is my very unsmooth, mom response.
I am shocked. First of all, Christmas is not even close.
Where did this statement com from?!
The holiday is months away, but worse, how does my son know that he needs to ask for a miracle for me to be healthy?
He is willing, at the tender age of six, to give up all the toys in the world he could ask for to ask for me to be healthy.
"I don't want toys..." He continues, nonchalantly, looking down at the toy he is playing with, "I just want you better."
I think I am going to cry.
I finally get myself together.
"Well, you know you don't have to wait for christmas to ask for this." I say.
"You don't?!" He yells, looking up with his big brown eyes, curiously, like I have the best answer in the whole world waiting on the tip of my tongue.
"No, you don't have to wait, because God is santa's boss. He is around all the time. Santa is just a helper for one night."
"So we can start writing letters NOW?!" X half asks and half deduces.
"Yes, we can write letters or we can pray every night..." I trail off, dreamily, thinking, sadly, about the possibility of my own mortality and how it is affecting X.
Xander cuts right in. He's ready to start his letter to santa, asking for me to be healthy."
Now, it's August and I am starting yet another round of chemotherapy after so many others have failed. The chemo will be hard. It requires 2 to 3 months of active treatment with infusions every Monday.
I will be sick. I will be hospitalized. Then I will undergo a T lymphocyte infusion to boost my immune system, which I received from my previous stem cell transplant.
I feel relieved this time to be getting chemotherapy. I can not wait until Monday to start. I haven't felt like this before. I know through all the suffering, it's going to be worthwhile this time.
If you do the math, starting treatment in August and ending chemo 2 or 3 months later, I finish in October or November. I'll then receive my T lymphocyte infusion, just in time for Xander's christmas wish, the one he made back in spring, to come true.
I'll be healed for christmas.