It’s a New Year!!

I woke up this morning feeling my usual mix of emotions- apprehension, anxiety, pain but with some new ones I barely recognized that have come back since steroids gave me a “new breath on life.”

I feel relief, relaxed, and happy that I made it to 2010.

I think, maybe, this year, I can see the battle I’ve been fighting as an accomplishment in itself with the ultimate goal to gain peace with what’s out of my control.

I’ve finally regained the clarity of thought to realize what I’m going through is a major life experience, and not one everybody gets to go through.

Despite the pain, the sadness, and the fear I’m happy I’ve been given the opportunity to feel and experience it all.

These last couple months have been difficult to articulate.

I’ve been at an impasse wanting to tell everybody the true day-to-day, minute-to-minute feelings, but thinking I’d finally crossed the line where my veracity would just be scary.

It’s an isolating feeling to know you’ve reached a point at 27 years old that some won’t see in a lifetime, and very few will be able to share and articulate with a degree of acceptance.

That’s where I finally find myself this morning- accepting, again.

That’s going to be my goal for the year, to live in the moment, to laugh, love, and enjoy all the hardships that are thrown at me.

I’ve tried the flip side, to mourn my losses over and over again, only to be met with the same reality that nothing external has changed.

It’s time to change myself, and love the now.

My last week of events have been spent probably the opposite of what you have all been guessing- I’ve been busy.

Yes, busy, busy, busy and busy some more.

All I want to do is walk for the simple reason that I can.

I’d walk back and forth to and fro from my car just for the fun of it, for the experience, because it’s been so long since I could do it without fear of my body failing.

I’ve been moving house to house, trying to spend quality time with my sister’s family who is in for the week, as well as my grandparents, ad Jon and Xander, who both have the week off.

I wish I could stretch and separate all the people out over the weeks so I could be their own personal assistant, having them al here, all at once, has been difficult.

It’s been especially difficult for me since I’ve spent months relatively isolated.

I’ve been thrust into serious social time in the span of two weeks.

I haven’t quite found the balance that’s going to keep me healthy, happy, and fun all at once.

After Christmas I tried to erase my daily nap since the steroids no longer allowed me to sleep, but I’ve found I need the couple hours just to close my eyes or my brain doesn’t quite organize itself.

The goal of taking these couple hours in the afternoon is always to try to stay up to have some “adult time” at night, but that never seems to happen.

Jon and I have always been on opposite ends of the sleep-wake spectrum.

I’m perfectly happy with an 8 or 9 pm bedtime and waking at 6 or 7 (well, when I was healthy, now it’s 6:30-7 when X drags me out of bed).

Jon likes to sleep until 10 or so but stay up late into the night.

Of course, what happens? X gets to hang out all day long, nonstop.

That child can go, go, go from 7 am until 9 pm at night.

Last night the events of the week before, the three day long family Christmas, the friends in from out of town, the “date night” on Weds. That led to Heather and I polishing off a bottle of wine ourselves, kicked my ass.

I’d gotten up to play with Heather and the kids before doing some emergency grocery shopping (when the house is out of honey nut cheerios, juice, and turkey it’s an emergency) only then to drag myself to the upper valley to pick up some CT scans for my second opinion with the pulmonologist at Dana Farber on Tues.

Not having the scans ready and on hand is something the Hillary of the past never would have accepted.

I had scheduled to pick them up on Monday, when I was actually scheduled to be at the hospital, only to run out of the hospital and forget them after my appointment trying to get some couple time in before family dinner.

Oopsy, that means we fit in one emergency run to the hospital yesterday.

Except, my body revolted. It screamed enough.

Twenty minutes into the trip I’d fallen fast asleep in the car.

Even a stop at gamestop and another fifteen minutes in the car didn’t wake me.

Jon thought I’d drugged myself into oblivion when he wasn’t looking.

I was just experiencing some good old fashion exhaustion.

That good old fashion exhaustion led to the canceling of all partying plans for the night. Snuggling and watching the hang over was too much for me.

J had to set about being sole parent to X and his friend who’d come to spend the night.

It all worked out though, because this morning I am feeling restful and happy, and the boys are in video game heaven.