There are a hundred, maybe a thousand, different things that run through your mind when you realize you and your partner are both simultaneously disabled, and not one of those thoughts are, "everything is going to be just fine."
That is an after thought. That's a thought that comes in amidst all the worst case scenarios, all the 'we are going to end up bankrupt and homeless" or "our poor child is going to be an orphan" when your mind is about to explode, bc it can't take the thousand alternate terrible possibilities.
That is when a soothing thought comes through. Even then you know it's just to comfort yourself so you don't crumble to bits and have a psychotic breakdown at exactly the time you need to get your game face on and move full bore ahead for your family and loved ones.
This is the three point shot at the buzzer to win the championship moment in life. Either you are in it to win it or you're not in the game at all.
Except with this being life, We all know what the stakes are. It would be easier to be paralyzed by the fear, curl up in a ball, close your eyes and pray for it all to be over. That's how you would lose. Its time to keep your mind right and definately start praying.
I've been popping ativan.
I know it is just Jon's
achilles heal. We've been through far worse before. He saw Dr. Weiss at Valley Orthopedics yesterday that confirmed he has a partial tear. Based on the MRI we hope to get ASAP he could be having surgery Thursday.
It is a surgery that will take 3-6 months to heal from. Without the surgery there is a higher rupture rate and a longer (4-7 month) healing period.
The timing just sucks. I'm on my steroids so I can have happy bonding time with my family. We wanted to create memories together that would last all of our lifetimes. Now the roles have changed.
Jon is sitting on the couch, unable to move, and I am waiting on him.
After I get over the grieving and the loss of all the trips we had planned to do while he'll be recovering, I'll enjoy waiting on him. He does take good care of me while I'm sick, letting me stake out in the sick corner, delivering me food, water and medicine, cooking dinner, and cleaning everything that bothers me.
Now it's my turn to care for him, and I don't mind at all. I like it. I just don't like that what could be my last period of health is not going to be spent having great times on vacations. It's not like we can say, "No worries, we'll just change the trips and do them next year."
Who knows what's coming next year?
With this on my mind I've had the week from hell. I've been hanging out a lot with my BFF, lorazepam.
My houseguests had just left before Jon came home injured. I have a full house to clean and no energy. God Bless Aunt Becky who will clean it for us tomorrow. I physically can't haul laundry to our basement machines due to my lungs and now neither can Jon.
I'm in the midst of writing grants for the Charlestown Police Department. It is something i had contemplated doing while I was ill. Less than a week ago my father said he wanted to apply for NH's Energy Efficiency and Conservation Community Block Grant which would upgrade the proposed new police department to an energy efficient one. This entails writing four separate grants one for the building envelope, one for the PV System, one for the solar hot water and space heating, and another for lighting upgrades to energy efficient fixtures.
Oh yeah, and it's due Feb. 15.
I'm feeling the stress, and the only thought that has helped relieve it so far is canceling the family trip to NYC this weekend that we had planned.
We had only purchased tickets to see The globetrotters at Madison Square Garden. I think we can sell them. I just don't like the idea f leaving Jon alone at home when he is struggling so badly, especially to go do eents we were supposed to be doing together. It just wouldn't be any fun.
Hopefully we can reschedule it for the end of Feb. or spring when my mom has another conference (that's how I go on these luxury trips), and we can all enjoy the experience.
Maybe then I'll finally get my horseback carriage ride through central park.