Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Monday, March 28, 2011

My Scapular

I wear a scapular around my ankle.
It's a Christian tradition that's usually worn around the neck, but I've stuck it on my ankle.
I've done this since I know if something were to happen (say cardiac arrest) that piece of fabric would be cut so quick.
And I can't have that.
 I want my scapular.
 According to my beliefs, this gaurantees graces before death: confession, sacrament of the sick and entry into heaven. 
Yes, I said it. 
Everyone who knows about my raggety cloth wants one. 
Who doesn't want a gaurantee into the beauty of the afterlife?
 Still, I wonder if there is something I can do, could have done, or did do to control my disease. 
Where is my cure? Where is my relief? 
Originally, I felt like this was a punishment and sometimes I still do, but I could no longer be suffering for any ills I've done. 
I've suffered too much. 
Now I wonder if I'm carrying a cross for the evils that are raging all over this world. 
There are so many. 
Then I wonder if I'm still contributing to the wrongs. 
Who am I, miss Holier-than-thou, to believe I suffer for a greater good? I wonder what more I have to let go to move on from this disease, and even scarier, what exactly is moving on? Is it death or a cure? Are the successes I hope for just vanity? Is it contributing to my disease? I am happy I can use my disease to hopefully help others. 
I'm accomplishing almost everything I've dreamed of, but how does my disease, my life, my family define me? 
I dreamt last night, or thought, or read, who knows all my levels of consciousness are blending together, that life is only something that can be understood backwards.
So I'll just keep praying for the insight to suffer with blind faith that I am a piece of God's plan. 
Until then, I'll keep wearing my scapular and praying  I'm doing God's work.
I'm heading for another check-up today, testing my blood levels, and probably receiving an infusion.
Happy Monday. Let's hope this week goes better for everybody.


Anonymous said...

yes hillary you are inspriation to most and I know wear mine everyday as well because of what u taught me, i have told others but they dont believe... thank you'

Michelle Springer

Anonymous said...

I suspect that you have been doing a lot of reading, as well as praying. Perhaps you have incorporated this quote from some of your reading.
The quote is by Soren Kierkegaard, "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
No matter where you got this thought, and dream, it is worth thinking about.
Stay strong, Hillary.