Xander Coping

The most difficult aspect of this hospitalization has been the separationits caused between my family and me.

 I saw Jon and Xander Thurs., Fri., and then Sat. for a while, before I slept through their whole visit Sunday.

Ugh. It's so sad. I miss them. I can't imagine how X feels. HE bought me a stuffed Ferret the day I was hospitalized for me to snuggle with while we were apart. It was perfect, and so thoughtful, knowing howing important saving is to him.

I've been in need of reorganizing his therapy recently. He was in a great anger management group, but then I became to ill and tired to drive him back and forth.

Maybe Weds. at three is a possibility, mom could get him there routinely. Afternoons at 2pm my mom could bring him, then it's a twofer, he gets therapy and Nana bonding time.

Outside J and I, mom may be his 3rd closet confidant.

Recently, he's been calling her at night. I don't know what's going on his mind. I just want to know how to make it better. I have found that having a day scheduled for therapy seems to be more productive than just the therapy alone.

I wish it was that easy.

He gets special time with a suportive loved one. I'm sure at this age he's generalized the possibility of losing everybod as a possible loss. Nana seems to be his safety net, my possibile replacement. He clings to her when he feels anxious. He's been making calls at night to get them to do homework when he senses I'm getting tired, ill, and in need of going to bed.

I'm so glad he has a reliabable loved one he's confortable with. We're so fortunate. 

My puppet fareet for my hospital stay that has hidden around my room, scaring some poeple. It was $30 and with his iron grip tight wade in cash, I can't imagine what made him wager this purchase.

All I know is that he is clearly depressed and anxious.

Those emotions are clear. We haven't found a way to cbtrol it but were trying.

Maybe sometime.

We would like to unlock his mind and understand what he has going for him. Time will tell.


I try not to worry. I try not to focuss on death. I could lose days in the what ifs.

I lose hours everytime I have a new diagnosis coinciding with my disease, but focusing on bad will bring bad.

I choose to believe amd hope focusing on the good will bring the good to me. I read the book , The Secret, for two seconds before I was overwhelmed by its almost simple silliness, but I tried it and it worked.

I've always allowed faith to guide me. I call my higher power God, but I welcome all those who use different name, believing the same commitments of loving everybody.  My faith, My love, my family and my son is what has gotten me so far, that and some tenacious diligence.