Tic Toc Tic Toc

Tic toc tic toc, tomorrow is the big day. I will be heading to Boston to start my transplant tomorrow Sept. 18 2008. Dana Farber found me as close a match as possible: a 26 year old female from Europe. That is all I get to know.
My mother is voting for a Scandinavian, since my profile was more similar to hers than my fathers. I heard, however, that Scandinavians are “morally loose” (thanks doc). So if after my transplant, I go a little wild (bad news for my husband, good news for the other guys) you can all be assured that it’s caused by the theoretical “cellular memory” that’s been transplanted into me.
I have had some episodes of explosive, irrational anger (a la Heather) since my first transplant so hopefully this girl can tone that down in me a bit.
On a serious note, I’ve looked forward to this time like doomsday since March. I try to remember that the rain always looks worse from the outside. When you step into it, the rain is usually not the downpour you expect. It’s not looking so bad today.
I’d like to get this process done with so I can go on with my life. Some goals of mine that might surprise you, I want to be the alpha mom and raise children who wouldn’t otherwise have the lifestyle I could provide. I want to be the stepford wife and wait on other people instead of them waiting on me (I could be Hillary Stepford instead of Hillary Ford, a new version of combining our names Saint and Ford ). I want to cook wings and chili for poker night and game days.
I don’t think these goals are a drastic step away from being a successful business woman and a millionaire by thirty (except I’ll now have to pay off some debts first).
I now have other fears for my future. I’m afraid I may not survive. I want my life to matter. I’m afraid I’m running out of time.
I was irritable for a long time about this possibility. I want to be okay with any outcome. I don’t want my last emotions to be fear and sadness.
I realize my anger reaction was not benefitting anybody, and I needed to enjoy my time with friends and family. I’ve had a lot of fun in these past couple weeks, but I don’t expect it to stop. I won’t be losing my spunk and personality. I’m a one woman party, and I’m taking on the road to Boston. Keep me in your prayers. Thanks for your love and support.