My dreams have been extremely vivid recently, to the point I almost can't decipher between what's dream and reality. 

Maybe its that alternate plane coming into play. 

My mom was nasty to me in one. 

I pimped j out to the whorehouse in another and when the girls liked him I cried and became jealous. 

But the chaos of my dreams has nothing on reality. 

My treatment schedule will soon be chemo and pheresis every two weeks.

 Hoo-ra, but x is starting with his anxiety and depression again. 

He found me passed out on the floor in the kitchen. He heard my call for help. 

Now, he follows me everywhere, refusing to allow me to be by myself ever. He'll have a tearful anxiety attack if I try to send him away. 

Going to places like school is fine, but to get him to go camping this weekend with J's fam I had to tell him who would be watching me everyday.  

He finally cried today and said he didn't want to lose me.

 I promised I would do everything possible never to let that happen and we'll keep praying to God everyday that I'll live to 100. 

 It's the first time he has said clearly that he's afraid of me dying. He knows I'n sicker than last year. 

We don't go for walks. 

I can barely play sports. 

I told him I was going to start exercising with the wii, and he has set it up and forced me to play everyday since. 

X is my greatest motivator, my greatest inspiration. 

He's smart and talented and would grow to be a fine young man without me, but I don't want him to grow up motherless. I want him to come home to brownies and have floor parties when he's sick.

 I wish when he was sick, he didn't have to worry about me taking care him, but he does. He's said it before in the midst of a raging ear infection that was keeping him up through the night in pain this spring, he apologiZed for being sick and keeping me up.

 I told him now was his turn to be sick and not to worry, - was fine. He gave me a side glance and said, "but you know you are really sick, right?" 

That's when I knew he had really grown and matured faster than I ever wanted.

I think I'll sign him up for an upcoming study at DHMC on childhood anxiety.

This comes with the realization that I accepted long term steroids and palliative care diose narcotics.

 I'm one hot medicated mess. I'm such a mess I doubt I'd be accepted asd a patient in germany.

 I'm considering consulting a nyc doc that specializes in complementary care 

I've read many of dr ralph mosss reports. He was recommended by friends in the know. 

He also costs 700 for a consult but I think he may be my only possibility for a vaccine or other foreign approved proven treatments that are impossible to get in the US.