Test Anxiety

First things first, I FINALLY loaded some of my jewelry onto the Cancervivor Arts Ebay Store. Everybody click on the logo and check out the shop. Jewelry making is one of my new therapeutic pass times. I hope some of you will enjoy it too. I do accept local pick ups and requests for customized jewelry.

I have a PET scan today.

That's a positive emission

 topography scan. It's the alpha diagnostic test to determine whether or not my cancer has returned. 

I'm not nervous, or anything.

No, not me.

I certainly don't have test anxiety.

I just woke up every hour last night thinking about something else that was stressful in my life. Then when I would finally relax, 

think about something happy, I'd only nod off for another 45 minutes.

That was after I took a mg of ativan just to fall asleep.

But, really, I required the ativan for the sudden overwhelming urge to vomit I got after eating our spaghetti dinner last night.

I'm blaming the feeling on the garlic bread.

It's certainly not because I'm stressed about my 30th PET scan, which by the way, if it's good news will look like graphic #1. If it's bad news, well, that would be graphic #2.

Hopefully, either way, Dr. G will let me access my scans so you can see how I light up like a Christmas tree. He hates having me show imperfect scans.

I say I am perfectly imperfect.

I'm was just thinking about child care and the events for x's and Lex's vacation this week.

I was worried I wouldn't wake up in time to stuff enough food into me by 9 am to tide me over for the day.

I take my food really seriously, you know.

Don't mess with it.

Okay, so these are all little lies I tell myself before every scan. I

 start to get anxious. I stress over distractions. I try to avoid the real, obvious looming reality.

Soon I will know what my body has been up to and again will either rejoice with more months of freedom or feel the weight of the world come crushing down, AGAIN.

I will always have test anxiety before major diagnostic scans. I think it's normal. I think every patient should have some level of realistic anxiety unless they're medicated into oblivion. 

It's a test that determines the course of your life. Plain and simple. That's scary.

So daunting I've been avoiding mine.

I used to count the days until my next PET in hopes I'd have two in a row showing me cancer free. Since that hasn't happened my enthusiasm has waned.

I now know to couple my PET scans with fun events to keep me from becoming a neurotic, frazzled, hot mess.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

Today Dani's coming by with the kids for a while, then Brynn and I are going to squeeze a quick trip to the book store in before going to the hospital. Times before I've gone on vacation at my sister's house. The rest of this week I have X, and probably Lex, to do fun kid's stuff with.

I've been postponing since I really have no desire to jump headfirst into anymore treatment. If I get a positive result, my reaction this time will be different than before. It won't be a full force, call in the troops and send them to the front line response.

I will take my time to process the information and consider my options.

Harsh treatments in search of a permanent cure have debilitated me. I'm leaning towards easier treatments that I can withstand while living life. 

But maybe, that won't need to happen.

There are processes within my body that can send false positive results, such as brown fat and inflammation.

Dartmouth combats the brown fat issue by administering .5 mg of xanax, which interrupts the uptake of the contrast into the fat.

Preventing inflammation from appearing in me as cancer will be more difficult since gvhd is inflammation. Even my eyes will look like they have cancer.

Either way, Have a happy Monday, and say a prayer or keep your fingers crossed for me.