I make sure the house is clean and organized. My outfits are assembled (just in case I have to, heaven forbid, change clothes). A meal with a couple days worth of left overs is prepared. The cupbards are full with easy meals and quick snacks. Any fresh fruit or veggies are cut and ready. My perscriptions are called in and full. Child care is organized.
I do everything I can, I use all the skills I've learned through school and the past four years, but I'm never prepared.
No amount of experience or cleaning or grocery shopping can prepare anyone for the toll and turmoil treatment brings.
This week my visiting nurse even came in to assure everything was prepared, and still, major failure in the medication department happened, again.
Everything I needed was ordered at the pharmacy Mon, but I told J, "No worries. Don't go today. I don't need them for a couple days.". I said this knowing I needed my synthroid for my nonfunctioning thyroid on Weds, and by need I mean I am out, my body will start to suffer.
I'll be lethargic, cold, constipated and feel like a fat ass.
Well, weds. It snowed. Thurs. I exhausted myself getting to Concord. The errand had slipped j's mind and I wasn't policing him.
Now, it's sat. And I've gotten my synthroid into me.
I'm finally feeling semi-human. I'm not feeling like a hazy, foggy, flakey mess. I'm able to get off the couch, But barely.
I don't know what to do with myself. I have energy to do things but not do them well.
I'm fatigued to the point its painful. You'd think this statement would contradict the previous but the two feelings can coexist.
I hope you read this and are confused. I hope you never have to understand the feeling by suffering or seeing it first hand. And all it takes to cause these feelings of discomfort is missing one single pill for one single nonfunctioning organ.
I have no motivation. Chemotherapy induced fatigue is very real, and probably one of the worst side effects, because there is not a damn thing that can be done.Maybe its that "amotivational syndrome" people claim is brought on by smoking.Could my mind and body gone to pot?All I want to do is sleep and eat. Sleep, eat, drink, watch tv.If everybody in my life could just remember that by transplant standards, I'm barely two years, maybe they'd go easier on me.Maybe I could just go easier on myself.
I'm hoping by tomorrow (Sunday) I'll be able to do some exercise to increase my energy, and maybe even go to J's basketball game. It'll be another fabulous family sunday.