Just Say No to Chemo

My chemo this week has been cancered.

It's been cancered by my illness, hopefully just a virus.

I stayed on my velbam treatment schedule for two full doses before my body rioted. 

It rioted by giving me a virus after I'd been exposed, while I had "normal" immune system levels, after I'd had a great time living "normally."

I had exhausted myself being me, or the me I used to be: through mothering, cooking, cleaning, chauffering and hostessing. 

I can't keep up with myself. Forget about the Joneses or the Smiths, whoeer is vogue these days.

I felt an aura of illness Saturday.

I immediately started drinking lots of electrolytes and Vit C. I had blueberry juice spritzers, coconut water, Iced Tea. I ate good healthy foods: vegetarian taco dip, grape leaves, etc.,etc.

It didn't stop anything.

I saw my DHMC Heme team, Anna and Marc, Mon. 

We postponed chemo until today. 

I was put on an anti-biotic, cefpoxamine, due to the threat of my symptoms getting worse. 

I hid inside and ate and drank well. 

I got x off to school then, whamo, sick time.

 I crawled into bed shaking with chills, feeling feverish.

 My body ached everywhere. I hurt so bad. 

I took benadryl, tylenol and fell asleep only to wake an hour later with a fever 102.1. 

I don't remember what I did after that. I know I talked to my dad, who called who is unknown to me. He offered to come over. I told him no, but he came anyway.

My home nurse also came to see me. She's scheduled to check on me the day after chemo. She was coming anyway and arranged for me to have IV fluids. 


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Even though I was drinking, I couldn't drink enough.

 I was having trouble urinating. I started to worry my kidneys may be suffering.

Luckily, Being on palliative care gives me the option of being treated at home, which is safer, more convenient, and cost effective. 

At 6pm I slept in my own bed and received a Liter of hydration with my home care Nurse, Janine, by my side.

God Bless nurses.

I was able to have my loved ones check in on me all day. I saw my Dad, my husband, and my son.

I would have been hospitalized for this without home care.

When fevers get high, when I become sick, the line that divides reality and fantasy blurs. I can't determine what I am dreaming or thinking and what has transpired in front of me. 

Due to this, It's impossible to get anything coherent from me. I'll hear a question in real life and talk to the imaginary character residing in my consciousness instead.

Even when I sleep, my dreams seem so real. 

Last night I was ill in a room with loved ones, but I couldn't do anything. 

I had no energy. 

Everything was changing in front of me and I was helpless to get what I needed. 

My blackberry was just out of reach. 

The men were changing the lighting fixtures. 

It's all so confusing. 

See, I bet you were confused over whether or not that last scenario was real or a dream. It was a dream that seemed real.

I wonder if this is how it feels before you die?

I'm happy, this morning, I'm exhausted but coherent. Hopefully, I'm recovering.