Amphetamines, Please

I didn't get a phone call about my liver enzymes.

I'm going with the "no news is good news" scenario, especially since the liver pain has almost become tolerable.

I have been a very bad, bad girl.

But, again, it felt so right.

Ever since that lightbulb went off in my head saying maybe I could take amphetamines to ease the chemo fatigue I have just been itching to try it.

Guess who did?

Yep, that'd be me.

It was just a little experiment. I dump toxins into myself weekly that I have no idea how or why I'm taking them. I don't think 5mg of adderal is really going to be the medication that pushes my body to it's limit.

I really just want to feel normal.

I wanted to be able to parent X for one full, entire day without needing to take a nap or call for help or becoming so cranky and miserable I would snap and take my pain out on him.

So yes, I went there.

I did it.

I have all ready crossed the line in the sand where my personnal comfort of drug taking stood.

I crossed that so long ago I can't remember how long I've been treading water popping morphine to keep my sanity along with my pain control.

And it's all be prescribed.

Well, most of it anyway, and I'm not saying which ones are which.

I think at this stage in my disease, I should have the right to try everything and anything within theoretical reason, but that's a whole separate posting.

I all ready consider myself one major toxic waste dump.

Why not keep trying more meds so the next patient can have "normalcy" while struggling with cancer?

Do I really have much to lose?

That's what everything I do is all about: trying to get back to normal. I am trying to get back to where most people take for granted everyday: to where I can wake up and get my son ready for school, where I can holler "subs" from the sideline without pain.

I'm surprised I'm not completely bitter.

But trust me, I do get there.

What's it take for me to get here?

60mg of morphine morning and night plus 30mg midday.

That's for long acting pain control.

I have more for breakthrough pain.

I think with these numbers, it's fair to say, I am dependent.

I think with all I've been through, I deserve a cruch.

Give a girl a break people, it's not like I'm having fun here.

My pain really got out of control with my sudden reoccurence and then worsened with my pneumonia.

With my pneumonia I wasn't in a position to ask for my maintenance medications.

I missed a dose of morphine while in the ER and I've been playing catch up ever since.

I think I have finally caught up, but What's a little ritalin on top of this so I can play b-ball with my kid?

This certainly wasn't where I dreamt of being, but my life is what it is and I want to be able to live it despite the reality of my disease.

The reality being I got sent home and put on palliative care along with a last ditch chemo regimen.

Let's be real, I am counting on two more years unless God grants me a miracle.

He has all ready granted two.

Maybe the third time is a charm.

Christmas eve would be appropriate.

Our dear friends' mom died over christmas years ago leaving behind four children.

I know all your prayers can not go unheard.

Memeres been praying the novenas for me for years now. Novenas are never supposed to fail, but God's will is what it is.

Sometimes he just says no.

Two more years would allow me to finish my ideas.

The health care ligislation ball is rolling, and soon, jacking up prices or refusing coverage for people with "pre-existing conditions" will be deemed discriminatory.

It is empowering to see even small battles won.

I don't know exactly what is in the cards, but until then, I'd like some amphetamines please.