Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Jill & Hill on The “Been There Guy”

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."

The difference between a "hitting on me" guy and a "been there" guy.... Can you tell the difference? Why should you have to? As long as the boundaries are set and you don't breach them it can make for a great relationship. They listen to your every word (or at least pretend to) and offer words of wisdom or advise.
If you want to know-- the "been there guy" is probably older, not necessarily wiser, and can make some very valid arguments to the pros and cons of your situation. There is a common bond between you, a reason you've crossed paths, a traceable series of events that brought you together. They're usually the type of person that, in their younger years, would have been a great person to spend time (i.e. party) with. Of course whatever it is you are trying to work through is usually the results of some immature decisions (we've all made them in varying degrees of impact.... i.e. marriage, kids, that faded tattoo of a naked woman or that long gone band... What was that song again??). Other times its life in general that you connect on. During the course of your relationship you will most likely say something to the effect of "what if we'd met before..." Or some other "what if". Don't you know the "if" is half of L-if-e. :)
Now, the "hitting on me" guy... He may have very similar characteristics to the "been there". Possibly older, seemingly full of wisdom, has made similar decisions in his life that brought the two of you together. BIG difference -- the 'been there guy' will never mention what if, the 'hitting on me guy' may hint, suggest, or down right tell you how good it could be if you were with him.
That's all I put together.... Your turn!! :) (She’s talking to me and all you other ladies out there. MEN wouldn’t you all like to know what our conversations consist of ;))
This conversation did start with Heather and me ganging up on Jill and DEMANDING to know if she was sleeping with been there guy. Her answer, “no.”
And now the conversation moves on to me.
Funny isn’t it? I turned on the tv and M&J came on. The topic: Ask the Male Room, the subjects included “Lies Men Tell” or “Can you be Friends?”
The woman on the show, clearly had a very different perspective than the men.
She stated her fiancée has never once admitted the beauty of another woman to her.
I thought, “Honey, he’s hiding it. If he isn’t hiding it, he’s gay.”
I take another route, I recognize people who are fine first. I appreciate beauty and women just happen to be beautiful. I like to communicate. I want to know what my man likes. I’ll try to be whatever he wants me to be.

If I see a beautiful man however, or one I deem as “pretty,” no thank you, that just screams high maintenance. I don’t need a kept man. I need a real man.
I have enough male friends that need to be put back in line once and a while.
Yes, I do think men and women can be friends, if the woman in your relationship allows it. Good luck finding one of those.
My husband has a long standing female friend. I appreciate that he has somewhere to go to ask for advice on how to relate to me.
The only time I’ve ever been irritated with her existence was when my mother-in-law announced, at our Rehearsal Dinner no less, that she always thought “Jon would marry Kate.”
WHAT?! EXCUSE ME?! He is marrying me tomorrow. That’s one of those things you are entitled to think, but never say.
Kate did piss me off once when she brought his ex over at a party to tell me what she thought of him as a boyfriend.
“He just wanted to mess with me.” She said, sadly.
I took one look at that girl with her gorgeous curly long red hair, green eyes, and freckles, and thought, “Whoa, you are cute, but not so clever (at the time, I think she’s a great woman now), I see where he was coming from.”
I thought she was trying to break us up! Kate is still around though, and I do enjoy her.
J and I do hand out relationship information. I do have him give my girlfriends man advice. He’s done this for a very long time now. Many of my girlfriends are looking for a man specifically like him.
However, our relationship is not perfect, and at one point, I was looking for my own “been there guy.”
The “been there guy” is an intelligent, experienced, often older male friend whose opinion you trust. You feel safe divulging your secrets to him. He seek him out to improve upon a relationship you have.
Unfortunately, I made a misjudgment.
I picked a person I trusted, who I would allow to make decisions on my behalf when I was unable, a person I had always been honest with and divulged some very painful problems.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know his complete history. I didn’t know many of the things I would cry about he would relate to and are in themselves, his personal weaknesses.
My been there guy hit on me.
Or, if you ask him, I hit on him.
Then he wanted to talk. He wanted ME to fill an emotional void! ME, who has so many emotional holes I may just be one big void.
I’m all for quid pro quo, but at this point in my life, I’m just not that available.
I would have talked, but by that point, I was so confused, I didn’t really want anything. I did what I do best, I scared that man far away.
Unfortunately, the feelings of respect for his intelligence and the trust I had gained in him are still present. They’ll eventually go away, but breaking up with a person who was intended to be a confidant and friend is so much more difficult than ditching a man (at least in my, slightly crazy, mind).
This is never supposed to happen!! The “been there guy’s” role is to help prevent you from making the same mistakes he has and now regrets!!!!
I can see how the message can be misconstrued, showing weakness, crying, trusting a member of the opposite sex can be confused with attraction, especially if the been there guy has significant trust issues.
Some people are not capable of separating trust and warm feelings from a relationship.
From now on, I’m going to keep to my “pick me up off the floor girls.”

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hiiary:
Thanks to Frank E, I follow your progress and trials faithfully, if at a distance. Our church is praying for you. Your faith and strenght inspire and your honesty about discouragement leave me awed. Your thoughts about "been there' guys should be read by every freshman!

Keep on keeping on, you have a huge network (a la Verizon) behind you.

Anonymous said...

hey its me Colette. i love what you wrote it had me laughing about the whole "been there guys" i was also jamin while reading. love you ttyl

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness girl I hear all those words and more. I too stick to the girls, even within my marriage. (and I love my husband) But utlimately the girls are there and I know exactly where they stand. You are a hoot! Deb A

Dani said...

I so understand you, I have been there and done that, and we are so similar, I love your honesty. love ya