Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Yesterday in Thoughts

I'm awake. It's 4:30 am. I've heard early a classic sign of depression.

Me? Depressed? Now, why would I have any reason to feel that way?

Well, let me give you a couple reasons: my health. Yes, my health status does depress me no matter how many moves I make to empower myself. I am very excited about the new avenues I'm taking, but I do have to give myself time to cope with reality.

I don't even want to say what I think reality is I'm so upset about this.

This is culminating in anehedonia. There's a word for your vobaulary list. I don't really experience enjoyment in anything right now.

I though I would. I am happier at my sister's place. I'm being treated like a queen. Their showing me a great amount of love.

But I'm not quite myself yet.

Then Heather and I went shopping last night and I didn't even have fun there. I'm not interested in buying anything really. I have so many clothes, even if they are on clearance. And all thos clearance signs, well they just remind me of the general malaise felt around the US due to the economic crisis.

If I can't find joy shopping with Heather, I'm in a little trouble.

It's going to take more than a morning of Maury to get me out of this funk.
On top of this, I'm get grouchy. Yes, straight up, in your face, bronxitis, grouchy.
I'm done with the stares when I walk around in my mask and gloves.

In my mind I think, "Yeah, I look weird in this mask, but you look weird too and that's just because your face sucks." Hehehe.

There are periods that I am happy, but they seem to be just that, short periods of intermittant happiness inbetween my overall gloom.

But let's talk about those because they're more fun and motivating.

I was excited to see the secretaries at DF yesterday, both the Queen and Lamour. They amuse me to the point of happiness even in a dreary place like the waiting room at a cancer clinic.

I hung out at the Blume Resouce Center and met a first day, wide eyed, mond opened volunteer, Kaitlyn, which I very much enjoyed talked to about her perspectives and my perspectives and putting them all together.

I enjoyed my dermatologist and the doctor assisting him, who referred to Dr. Saavedra as "The man." As in, "I'm a lucky girl, I'm getting to see THE MAN."
I was a lucky girl too, because those moles of mine look absolutely fine. Doesn't appear to be any problems there.

My report in 2003 suggesting I had some atypical, amorphic cells could have just been traumatized cells that were mistaken for diseased ones.

I did laugh in the appointment when Dr. S came in wearing somebody else's white jacket, and my she-bear mother (she has my back in a big way) told him to go get his ID, because for all she knew he was a janitor that caught me walking through the waiting room and decided he wanted to have the luxury of having the full body view. HA! That's my mom in a nutshell.

I also met with two great nutritionists. Their love for their job just beamed off their faces thereby making me very excited about food too.

They also told me that I didn't have to cut back on red meat, which I informed them could be steak tips for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They said I just had to be aware that I wasn't cutting out any fruits or beggies that contain those oh-so-necessary phytonutrients (I call them fight-o-cancer foods).

Very exciting news. They also stated the little amount of coffee I drink each morning is completely acceptable (coffee is full of antioxidants) so long as I hydrate myself throughout he day.

My liquid goal is 51 oz. daily and my diet should consist of 75% vegetables.

This appears comepletely doable.

By accepting what I LOVE TO EAT and working with it, they've educated a very compliant young patient.

Usually nutritionists come in and tell me HORRIBLE news, such as you are now on the liquid diet and can only drink chicken broth and eat jell-o for the next week. They NEVER come in and say "hey, because of all you've suffered, we're upgrading you to the steak, lobster, and shrimp scampi diet with wine."

I think I would have had better past experiences with nutritionists if this was the case.

I'm actually excited that there is one area of my care that I can have complete control over.
We're going to meet again and discuss my supplements next time.

After all the information I got from them, I was spent. The did recommend some websites, I leave you with two to start: and

I was excited for the receptionists in the Vakim Center (which I continually pronounce Vakeem for some reason). This place is a little jewel within the Farber that I hadn't yet found. The do a spectrum of holistic treatments for patients including massages, which I've signed up to receive at 9 am this morning.

If that doesn't make me feel better, I don't know what a girl is to do.

Maybe part of the reason I feel so off is this crazy, out of control hair I've sprung.

I think if I didn't just grow it, I'd be pulled it out. Yes, it is incredible thick and beautiful, but what I am supposed to do with it?

I'm going to put it to poll. The question is "About the fro- should it gro or should it go? Should I cut it yes or no. Your call people. Either way, it's amusing me.

I think, I hope, today I'll be feeling better. I'm happy to be with my family that loves me. I happy X is such a good little traveler and as long as he has his DS, goldfish, cheerios, juice boxes, and a Ball to play "monkey in the middle" with, he's good.

That's my little man.

Allen also is learned microsoft Access, which I'm very excited about, so we can mutually work on this non-profit start-up idea I've been loving for the past couple weeks. I'll tell you more about it once all the proper avenues are taken, but it's a good one. I really do need a job.

Send good thoughts my way.


Anonymous said...

Don't be too hard on yourself Hill ... we all need to recognize that life sometimes doesn't go as planned ... & while it probably won't do much to cheer you up ... I, like so many others, am totally in awe over your spunk & spirit. You are amazing Hill ... & I'm glad to hear the "She Bear" is on the job. I would have paid to see the good Dr's reaction to being accused of being a pervert!!

Hang in there ... stay strong ... & when you're sad, there is nothing wrong with leaning on those around you.

You go girl!!


Dani said...

Hey girl, I would also have paid to see the doc's reaction...LOL Keep your chin up, I love the hair I think it's cute, give it a little longer before you do anything to it.... Relax a little and enjoy your pampering... Luv ya

Anonymous said...

I hope your massage was oh-so-marvelous. I firmly believe in the healing power of touch. You should be having a minumum of a massage a week.

I also know I'm in trouble when shopping can't raise my spirits. I can totally relate. Cut yourself some slack, though. You haven't had a lot to be celebrating lately and you have a right to be cranky. I'm sure everyone around you realizes that.

Hang in.

Sig said...

You are doing great Hillary.
I say gro the hair. I am going through the same dang thing, I want to cut it so bad, it is so out of control, but alas, I will gro it with you.

Anonymous said...

Let it grow!