Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Conscious Sedation

This picture is special for J today in honor of his colonoscopy. Let's all hope the "conscious sedation" works as planned and he doesn't remember anything.

I can’t handle seeing my husband sick. I can’t handle sitting by his side while he undergoes procedures.
To clarify, specifically, why I can’t: I get physically ill.
I am taking all the stress I possibly can with everything else, to see irrefutable evidence that J also has a severe medical problem is too much for my psyche.
I get physically sick. It’s called a “psychosomatic symptom.” My brain is making me sick from the stress.
Some people respond by experiencing a “conversion disorder” and may have symptoms that very convincingly mimic a stroke. I’ve seen it. It fooled me and 20 other professionals.
There is also always amnesia or dissociative fugues.
I get a headache. I get nauseas. I get abdominal pain and cramping.
When J gained forty pounds along with me when I was pregnant my maternity professor said what a great thing this was. It shows a parental bond. He was simultaneously undergoing bodily changes along with me due to our closeness. He was psychologically attached prior to birth.
There is some medical term for this. I don’t know it.
For every action there is a greater or equal reaction.
I don’t think my response to his illness is such a great thing.
If he did the same thing with me we’d both be flat on our asses on our couches behaving like we were in our 80s.
Last time he went for a colonoscopy, my eyes shook and mimicked nystagmus (twitchy eyeballs that are usually a very bad, bad, sign of a brain bleed).
I could see then I couldn’t. The world was in focus then it wasn’t. Everything was changing in a millisecond and then changing again and changing back.
This is how true nystagmus feels. I’ve had it before. It’s not a sensation you forget.
Luckily, when I woke up today I felt fine, even good. He’s the one with the out of control headache. I think the sedation will take care of that.


brynn said...

Good Luck Jon!
Stay strong Hil :)

Anonymous said...

I hope it all went well. It's a lot more fun to look back on it, than be anticipating it and doing the prep, for sure. I'm a big fan of Propofol for colos and made sure I went somewhere that used it for my colo! It doesn't leave you feeling so groggy all day, or make you nauseous like some people get with sedation.