Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Living awake but half asleep

I didn’t want to admit this. This is a terrible thing to know. I can barely admit the fact to myself.
The truth is I can’t hang anymore. I’m too old or too tired and the party scene seems to be gone for me if not forever, for a very long time.
I’m not even talking about the late evening into early morning scene City Scene I enjoyed until I was 25years old. I’m talking about not being able to handle a low key, alcohol free BBQ and game night. I thought I was safe not drinking. In all honesty, I didn’t really drink at the clubs in college either. Twelve dollars a drink will dissuade a broke college student from drinking.
So I thought I was safe since I don’t even drink anymore. I am just as rowdy and fun without it. I thought not drinking would make my next day rising easier.
It didn’t.
I’m living awake but half asleep.
I decided to put on make-up, and I’m talking full make-up, to inspire, or convince myself, that I am awake and will be doing big things today like traveling to Keene for a Birthday Party and maybe do dinner.
The shower and make-up did not convince me I was an awake functioning member of the world.
Thank goodness J takes X to Karate class on Sat. so I could sleep until 10am.
I never sleep until 10am.
I think the only reason I don’t is because I always have someone waking me up in the morning.
Today I feel like I could sleep and sleep and sleep and even if I do join the energetic world beyond my house, I’ll still be living awake but half asleep.
I’m crossing my fingers and hoping the coffee and breakfast will help.
I’m hoping this feeling is from staying up past my bedtime last night and not from the fever and malaise that are trying to set in an take over my life.
At least, even tired, I'm feeling artsy.
Either way, I’m going to go about my plans and enjoy them!
Have a happy weekend.


Anonymous said...

I know that this struggle isn't easy for you Hill ... & that it probably seems to grind on & on. But I also hope you take some solace in the fact that you are making a difference ... & people are hearing you.

You have amazing insights & while the struggle may be hard ... & it may be tempting to stick your head back under the pillow ... the fact that you share those insights is a gift to us all. Thank you for sharing your struggle so publically & candidly. You are making a difference girl ... & I'm proud of you.


Anonymous said...

Ditto. I am constantly amazed at your passion, not only for your causes but also for the quality of your life.
Don't NEVER give up...that was my son's motto! Good words to live by!
I know that you are feeling overwhelmed, but continue to remember that we are out here praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I know this is easy for me to say and harder for you to do, but keep on keeping on. You have inspired so many people you don't even know (as well as those you do know). Your message is needed for everyone to hear.
We are all pulling for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.