Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Reaction to Farrah

I’m watching the Farrah Fawcette special.
I’ve been looking forward to it al week.
I’ve told everybody I’ve spoken to about it.
I’m talking everybody, including cashiers at the grocers, secretaries at the cancer centers, and random possible new friends.
Yes, everybody, please watch Farrah Fawcette’s documentary, because she is using the same Dr. in Germany I will.

Dr. Ursula Jacob is now officially famous stateside.
Thanks to Farrah’s documentary I now know to whom I have been speaking over the past year. I now know somewhat where I am going.
I feel like my research into options has been validated. If Dr. Jacob and The Klink Im Alpenpark is good enough for Charlie’s Angel, it is good enough for me.
From what I’m seeing, Germany’s toys are so much better than ours. Their technology is amazing. Too bad people will be playing with them using me.
This is the nurse in me speaking, the scientist. The lab, diagnostic tests, scans, the sick those are my toys. It is a playground of innovation.
I was shocked when Dr. Jacob very clearly stated to Farrah that liver metastasis is a very ominous sign and that when this occurs, the prognosis is generally not good.
This is my denial speaking. Obviously, clearly, I know tumors in the liver are very, very bad.
I also know that in the past two weeks, while I have been cooking and cautiously eating, enjoying my steroids and relaxing, meticulously managing my supplements and medications, my liver enzymes have been cut in half.
My liver enzymes were barely elevated above normal on Thursday. My ALT was in the 120s two weeks ago. Thursday it was 60. Normal is 56.
I rubbed my liver. I’ve been saying I’ve been “giving my liver some love” for the past couple weeks.
I have been using a chiropractor who also practices acupressure to facilitate drainage, specifically stimulating areas along the spine, which is innervated by nerves associated with the liver.
Did everybody follow that?
The use of acupressure utilizes the trifecta of organ, nerves, and spinal collaboration.
When my liver is manipulated, often, especially during extremely sensitive times, my actually liver is never even touched.
Not even close.
There is an area at the base of my skull that use massaged that coordinates with the nerves that then stimulate the liver, naturally.
It’s at the base of the skull, perfect to find on all the badlies.
It’s also directly beside the area of innervations for the respiratory system.
My lungs and my liver are two organ system that have been severely affected by my cancer and treatment.
We do rarely directly manipulate the lymphatic system. That could open Pandora’s box.
As if on cue, knowing it was on my mind, my liver gurgled as Farrah and Dr. Jacob spoke.
Because I become so thin, my chiropractor, Dr. Klema, can actually feel my liver and then the opening of the biliary ducts.
After years of practice, he can feel the organs responding to his touch. Specifically, he can feel my organs.
Watching the show I want to tell Farrah, I get it.
I understand why she wants the misery documented. I understand why she wants everybody to see how she suffers while so many specialized, technical procedures are enacted in the hope of survival.
I’m now concerned with exactly how long I will be residing in Europe.
Watching the documentary, I think I should just make myself at home.
I am officially going to start learning German.
I am googling the Klinik as we speak.
The area does look beautiful. It is in view of the Alps. The adjacent living arrangements are created in a spa-like atmosphere specifically for disabled travelers. The building looks like it is a modernized version belonging in “The Sound of Music.”
I just happen to love that movie.
I also love the styles. Bring old Hollywood back.
The area is an hour south of Munich, which will hopefully make travel easier.
Of course, there is the thought in the back of my head, exactly how much will this cost?
I am trying not to get upset. I am experiencing a deep sadness. I want to cry. I keep watching the television and then flipping back to my laptop diverting myself from tears.
I don’t even know why I want to cry.
I am to the point of quiet, stalwart acceptance.
My situation is what it is. I told myself at the beginning that I would do everything within possibility to survive.
I want Xander to know I did absolutely everything possible to stay with him.
I’m not going to worry about the timeline, the travel, and the arrangements now.
I’m fortunate to have such a large support group. There is always someone who knows someone.
With businesses practicing internationally now I am lucky to have loved ones who have traveled to the region before and have contacts in Munich, or at least in the country.
I’ll be well taken care of. My family will be well taken care of.
I am buying a leiderhosen too.
It is hard to watch someone else experience the same feelings, the same roller coaster of emotions associated with treatments and remissions and hope and devastation.
It is a dramatic experience, unparallel to any other in life, to know the joy of survival only to feel the tragedy of possible death.
I don’t think there is any other comparable experience in life that runs such a gamet of emotions than thinking, feeling that you have survived and overcome an obstacle like no other only to realize that your own body has defied you once again, and maybe, you are not as strong as you believed, that maybe, you will die despite all your very best efforts.
I have never been good with disappointment. I have known failure. It is absolute devastation to think the largest obstacle I may fail to overcome could be my only, my last.
The thought is making me nauseas, but it’s not making me cry.
I want to say Go Farrah, for showing your balding head. Real Women Are Bald.
Unlike Farrah, however, I am going to enjoy the trip to Germany.
I’m going to experience it like a tourist. I’m going to love the Alps and enjoy the scenary.
My cancer has been a journey. It has given me the adventure of my life. It has provided an adrenaline rush like no other.


Daria said...

I saw the last half of the Farrah special ... and yes the tears did flow.

We are so lucky to have blogging to share our thoughts and feelings or maybe other cancer survivors ... I just felt she didn't have anyone to share her inner thoughts with.

What a journey it is ....

Cancer Becomes Me said...

Attitude is everything and honey you got the good kind in spades.

March on.

andyson said...

So when do we start the "Send Hilary to Germany" fund?