Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Saturday, June 5, 2010

Never Get Sick

I hate weeks like these.
Weeks like these I lay around on the couch thinking of all the great things I could do.
Then I fall bak asleep to rest.
I've been sleeping the majority of days since Tuesday.
My body has needed the time to recover.
I just hate the feeling of helplessness/uselessness.
I sit, watching the house get dirtier, piles of dishes grow in the sink, baskets of laundry grow in the living room besides piles of dog hair and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
I know my cupboards are pretty empty and that I still, somehow, need to pack a lunch for X and make sure he gets healthy meals, but there is just no possibility within my physical capacity that I could do those things.
It's devastating, every time, never changes.
I think this is one of the first feelings that hits a cancer patient on diagnosis after denial, shock, etc.. All the sudden your body is striped of it's immortality. If you're thrust into treatment, you lose your roles. You lose your role as a breadwinner, as a parent, as a friend, because suddenly you don't have the energy to be those things.
It's a huge loss and the grieving is monumental. It's the grieving of a whole life you though you would have, free of cancer, that now is no longer a possibility.
Few understand the devastation and continue to do their daily activities out of spite or necessity even though their bodies clearly want to do otherwise.
Many learn to prioritize what needs to be done and allow the rest to fall by the wayside.
I've learned to listen to my body and not force it.
This gets me up and moving and on the road to recovery sooner.
I only lost one week of my life to sleep instead of 3 or four.
If the feelings of helplessness/uselessness stay around for long enough, the length of my feelings generally correlate with the length of my dependent illness, then feelings of guilt come on strong.
Feeling guilt as a patient is always present.
You know you are interfering with someone else's life by requiring their assistance. You know you are burdening someone else with your pain. It feels like a debt that will probably never be repaid, but when it goes on and on the guilt takes on a life of its own.
It turns into thoughts that you are so burdensome the bad out weighs the good when calculating your survival.
I hate dragging my family to appointments, making them take day after day off. I also hate to call and inconvenience people for rides, especially those who I barely see.
Illness is devastating.
Don't get sick people.


Bekah said...

Illness is devastating.
I hear you on the guilt hill, I think... unfortunately, that comes with the C card, once we get it.

Hang in,
Right there with ya,


Anonymous said...

Just a quick note to say hi ... I'm sorry you are feeling down ... just know that if there is something I can do, I'm a quick phone call away. The lupine are beautiful ... hope to get you up here.

Thinking of you Hill.

Loraine Ritchey said...

"You know you are interfering with someone else's life by requiring their assistance. You know you are burdening someone else with your pain. It feels like a debt that will probably never be repaid, but when it goes on and on the guilt takes on a life of its own."

I can positively tell you as this obscenity of Hodgkins entered our lives and my son went through his terrible ride of hope and cure and non hope and hope and treatment and all the terror that went with it....... the people that love you would take that journey from you in a minute and don their own walking shoes.....we can't do a lot but be there for the person that we love so much. We begrudge not one minute or one task.nothing is more important than the person we love.... in some ways it helps thinking we are somehow taking a bit of the load from "young shoulders that have so much to carry "

I am so sorry and if my Chris was still here I would move heaven and earth ( and tried to ) to give him strength or save his strength....

You are incredibly brave and a wonderful chronicler who writes with a truth and passion that exposes the effects of this obscenity of Hodgkins.. I was so angry the other day when I surfaced from my grief long enough to realize that they have had 178 years to find a cure for this disease but still the Drs. don't take a diagnosis of HL as too serious a cancer.

Thank you for your strength and know no burden is too much for those that love you Loraine