Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Heart Breaking

I almost killed myself parenting.    
I know many of us feel that being a parent could be the death of us from the worry and anxiety. 
Parenting is a full body contact sport.
 It's not for the faint of heart. 
It's the hardest job I've ever done, and I just want to do it right.   
 So after school x and I take the dogs down to the local soccer field.  
 I used to live at that field. My dad played there. The teams he couched played there. I played there. Xander played there in my belly. He's also played there when we couched him.  
The field is built in a valley with one side planked by a stream.
 I used to love to play in and around the stream, now I don't have the energy or the breath to take x.
 Heart breaking feeling numer 1. 
I was short of breath walking to the field and lost more explaining the rules of "world cup," the socer game we were playing.
After four throws I was bent over gasping like I'd run a marathon. 
I was grieving the fact that I may not be able to coach x again. I'll never be able to give him the skills I want to, to teach him the things I know when we realized the dogs were mia. 
Bastards. Where were they? 
By the stream. 
Of course x quickly went to "rescue" them. 
When I told him "no" he got lippy and called me "annoying.". 
 Oh no. Game over. Time to go home. 
I told him we were leaving, why, and called to the damn dogs while climbing the hill to my car.  
Then The shortness of breath hit me the way it always does. 
I start to breathe more heavily, breathe deeply and controlled.
It almost seems like I'll regain my normal breathing, but then the air doesn't perfuse and I breathe faster taking little gasps, like guppy breaths. Little wheezes can be felt with each breath.  
 Again I pray that this solves my problem. 
If it doesn't full on distress ensues. My lungs start audibly wheezing. 
 First I feel like I'm going to wet my pants, then I start to sweat, this is almost simultaneous with the feeling of lightheadedness I fight off.  
Then always, thank you God, my body recovers, leaving me exhausted and scared, pumping with adrenaline.   
X caught the very end.
 Immediately understanding what happened, he tried to make everything better. 
He got the dogs in the car. He buckled quickly. 
He's seen this happen to me before.
 I wish I could hide it. It's breaks my heart he has to see this. 
No child should ever feel the fear that their mom could die in front of them, and all I was trying to do was be the mom I always thought I'd be.
No child should feel the guilt that they contributed to their mom's distress, but he thinks he did. And all he was trying to do was be a normal kid. I was doing the things we have always done.
 I just can't do it anymore. It's Heart breaking.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel as a Mom too, when things don't always seem to go right, but you need to know that you ARE a great Mom(better than most)and you do the best you possibly can!I know it is easier said than done, but try and keep up your spirit!!

Loraine Ritchey said...

You are a great mom because you are doing what great moms do- you are putting your child before self- you can only do your best and you are.... your son loves YOU - remember for 9 months your souls ( or essence) touched .... and you shared one heart for a time.... that never leaves a child- he knows love the purest kind and you are so worthy to have his love whether you can kick the ball, do the dishes chase the dogs or not.. You are a young mom who has been dealt a damnable hard hand and I cannot begin to even try to imagine what you face every day - it is heartbreaking but you are giving your child so much than you know... are mom and no matter what you do or can't do your child thrives on just a touch of your hand. a kiss on his cheek , a smile ... Loraine

Anonymous said...

Hill, I have never seen anyone as brave and courageous as you. You have been also been brutally honest with not only us, but more importantly yourself. This is a good thing. You are living in reality. Many of us are not. I am truly amazed at your stamina in the face of your severe illness and just wanted to say I am a reader and your biggest fan and supporter. I too am a patient of Alyea. I can't tell you how sorry I am too find your cancer is now back, but let's hope remission, albeit temporary is around the corner, as usual.

Bekah said...

I'm sending love hill, it's all heartbreaking.

'i feel it all. my wings are wide.' - fiest

do what you need to do.
sending hugs,