I know "I shall not want."

I thought I'd gotten past being sad about sacrificing, not having, worldly goods. All my money goes to treatment. Everything else goes to food and my family.

When we do have some funds and my health, my priorities are family experiences.

We are going to NYC this weekend. Who could pass up free transportation, free hotel at the grand hyatt, half price empire state building tour. NYC is like visiting home for me.

But dammit, I've wanted a patio set so badly for so long.

I found one I like at KMart on sale this week for $180. It matches my imaginary decor. I want a place to curl up and rest while I watch the kids play.

Last year, I couldn't even move down to our backyard. I couldn't breathe to conquer the hill.

I should be happy and satisfied with my health, but maybe, just maybe, somehow I'll get what I want this year. I feel guilty for even wanting it. I've given more than a little hint to my husband about making it a mom's day gift.

Last year, I was told we "could just buy it" about a patio set. Then I was told it "would be my mom's day present." Then, nothing.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll get it this year.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'll wait another five.