"This is the best dream ever, because you're in it." X said to me, looking at me with his sick droopy eyes, mouth hanging open and sniffling. I've been sick for the past week,Weds and thurs. I couldn't wake up. I was exhausted. Fri after getting fluids I discovered I wasn't just dehydrated because of my nausea, vomiting, etc., but I needed blood too! Needing transfusions was my primary issue. I've probably needed transfusion in the past. One week after treatment when I start to feel cloudy and sleepy. I'll fall asleep mid convo. Very disturbing. I've been battling towards getting well. I avoided becoming an inpatient yesterday by telling my NPs I had an important basketball game I had to be at: my sons. It was important too. It was x's first time paired against a much bigger boy. His first big sports disappointment. It was also the first time I ever entered a room he was in, seen him making friends (including with big boy) and got the look that said "Puh-lease don't embarass me. Don't even let them know were related.". These were all moments I wanted to be present for and didn't know if I would. I wanted to see x get old enough to go somewhere and not need me. It's a feeling of sadness and success. It shows he's capable of being without me happily if He's capable of socializing and talking to the opposing team easily. I've done some of my job, but he's growing up! Tear. When faced with possibly not having these times since he was young, I've thought of many times I wanted to be his rock, his support, his shoulder to cry on. Even the "bad times" are better, if more important, than no time. I hate hearing when battling whether to be admitted or leave unsafely to enjoy an event that, "this is what we do all this for," which I know my np thinks is soothing, but just reminds me of how temporary she sees this. I disagree. I'm just really thankful that I'm here to be there for days when he's sick. So we can hold each other tight and he'll know the world is safe and secure.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.
He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.
Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."
I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.
I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."
2 comments:
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