First Day Anxiety

I start chemo tomorrow.

It doesn't matter how long I've been doing this, how many chemotherapy regimens I've tried, I still get anxious before starting a new therapy.
I now I've had vinblastine before.
I know vinblastine combined with 3 others chemos did little to hurt me.
But that was four years ago.
That was when I started treatment.
I was coming out of the gate as a fresh faced, healthy, athletic twenty-three year old.
The outcome may have been different over the years had I not appeared for treatment in perfect health.
I worry that I'll have an allergic reaction that won't be remedied in time.
I've had something like this happen before.
I started to tingle. I started to see stars. Then I got really hot and had trouble breathing.
Luckily, I had someone sitting with me.
I'm fortunate that I have family and loved ones who insist on caring for me.
I know I'm stubborn and try to enforce my independence like a rebellious teenager, but it is probably better.
This will probably be the one and only time I admit that.
Thanks everyone.
I'm doing what I do best when I'm anxious.
I'm preparing.
I'm cleaning and organizing to my ability.
Weds. are usually my favorite day. It's a favorite because my aunt comes to clean the house.
It's a wonderful feeling opening the door to a sparkling home like your fairy God Mother arrived while you were away.
I'm so lucky to have her do this for us. It's been a blessing.
It gave me the energy to go grocery shopping real quick yesterday to buy chemo food.
I take my food really seriously, and more so seriously during treatment.
I made myself a gigantic fruit salad.
Since 2006 I've craved fruit salads.
Do you know how labor intensive making a damn fruit salad is? It's exhausting. The only time I get it is if someone else makes it for me, but it's always well worth the wait having al my favorite things in one place.
Luckily, when I have chemo, I usually crave really healthy food.
Hopefully I can get back on my health food kick.
I bought coconut water.
It's all the rage now. It contains 5 electrolytes and all-natural sugars while gatorade only has 2 and loads of sugar.
I'm paying a $1 a can for the health benefits, but it's also really tasty. If you're interested, coconut water can be found in health food stores or the spanish foods section of any grocery store.
I also bought pina colada mix. I'm going to be making some pina colada smoothies so I can pretend I'm really partying when I'm wired for sound.
This all helps me relax just a little.

I also distract myself.
We coached soccer last night and the cousins spent the night.
We're going out today to see Marmaduke, by special request from Alexis.
I also found out, for all you locals reading, that Toy Story 3 is in 3D is playing in Hanover!
No need to travel to Concord or Hookset.
J and I watched an end-of-the-world, doomsday movie last night.
Those movies, in a terrible morbid way, make me feel better.
It was called "The Book of Eli" and took place in a post-apocalyptic world.
I'm not interested in being around in a world that's terrible and dreary like these types of movies portray.
And you know, they never make prediction of the future in movies that the world is going to be a shining happy place.
It's always we've destroyed our environment and then ourselves and a few good, strong survived but more evil that try to mug, rob, kill, and eat the surviving good people.
Once, I'd like to see the other version.
J says the doomsday versions are more believable and if it's a shining happy prediction of the future, it's probably a comedy.
I think I agree.
I also have my first teleconference as a stakeholder for the Health Initiative tomorrow.
I'll prep more tonight.
I've never had a teleconference meeting before.
I'm feeling a little big time, but I know I'm going to be lugging my blackberry from my house to the car to the hospital while getting hooked up for photopheresis.
I can work it.
As a final thought, please keep my brother-in-law and sister in your prayers. They've both contracted awful cases of lyme disease that has left them exhaustd, achy, and debilitated.