Heart Breaking

I almost killed myself parenting.    

I know many of us feel that being a parent could be the death of us from the worry and anxiety. 

Parenting is a full body contact sport.

 It's not for the faint of heart. 

It's the hardest job I've ever done, and I just want to do it right.   

 So after school x and I take the dogs down to the local soccer field.  

 I used to live at that field. My dad played there. The teams he couched played there. I played there. Xander played there in my belly. He's also played there when we couched him.  

The field is built in a valley with one side planked by a stream.

 I used to love to play in and around the stream, now I don't have the energy or the breath to take x.

 Heart breaking feeling numer 1. 

I was short of breath walking to the field and lost more explaining the rules of "world cup," the socer game we were playing.

After four throws I was bent over gasping like I'd run a marathon. 

I was grieving the fact that I may not be able to coach x again. I'll never be able to give him the skills I want to, to teach him the things I know when we realized the dogs were mia. 

Bastards. Where were they? 

By the stream. 

Of course x quickly went to "rescue" them. 

When I told him "no" he got lippy and called me "annoying.". 

 Oh no. Game over. Time to go home. 

I told him we were leaving, why, and called to the damn dogs while climbing the hill to my car.  

Then The shortness of breath hit me the way it always does. 

I start to breathe more heavily, breathe deeply and controlled.

It almost seems like I'll regain my normal breathing, but then the air doesn't perfuse and I breathe faster taking little gasps, like guppy breaths. Little wheezes can be felt with each breath.  

 Again I pray that this solves my problem. 

If it doesn't full on distress ensues. My lungs start audibly wheezing. 

 First I feel like I'm going to wet my pants, then I start to sweat, this is almost simultaneous with the feeling of lightheadedness I fight off.  

Then always, thank you God, my body recovers, leaving me exhausted and scared, pumping with adrenaline.   

X caught the very end.

 Immediately understanding what happened, he tried to make everything better. 

He got the dogs in the car. He buckled quickly. 

He's seen this happen to me before.

 I wish I could hide it. It's breaks my heart he has to see this. 

No child should ever feel the fear that their mom could die in front of them, and all I was trying to do was be the mom I always thought I'd be.

No child should feel the guilt that they contributed to their mom's distress, but he thinks he did. And all he was trying to do was be a normal kid. I was doing the things we have always done.

 I just can't do it anymore. It's Heart breaking.