It's day 5 post chemotherapy and I've started to return to my normal circadian rhythms. That means my sleeping all day kept me up half the night.
Oh well, that is just part of the routine now. If everything goes according to plan, meaning I don't experience an awful reaction that puts me in the hospital for a week, I'll have one night that I just can't sleep.
I use my time productively. . . . watching late night television.
If you wonder why I've been MIA for the past couple days it's because I've been writing.
It's time I finished my books, all the books I can. I have one children's book in the works and three grown up books worth of text. They just need to be polished. They all have titles.
None of them, however, have an agent or publisher. I guess I'll cross that road when it comes.
I don't want to break my writing flow on some silly worry about whether it will be published or not. THIS IS ART, PEOPLE!
Though, of course, I would like it to pay some bills.
I'm feeling desperately poor.
Good news is: I did it. Its done! I've made it through the fray of chemotherapy to now confidently say I'm successfully on the other side of my treatment.
I hope I'm not speaking too soon. I'm still exhausted. I wake up in severe pain everywhere I turn.
How is this success? Trust me it is.
I can feel. I know what's going on where I am and who I am.
That my friends is success.
The bar is set pretty low.
The biggest sign of getting through a treatment: I'm looking forward to summer. I mean really looking forward to summer with no apprehension, no wondering if I'll be capable of caring for x. No, I see nothing but good things, not solely because I've made leaps and bounds healthwise, which I have, but because x has grown and matured so well.
I'm happy with where we are. I'm happy at this point in time. How lucky are we to have made it this far? How sad it is that so few people experience this feeling, and even if they do, they fail to recognize it.
But then of course, there's the flip side.
I feel a little silly saying this. I feel ridiculous actually, especially since I was just gushing over my good fortunes.
I got my credit card bill in the mail, the one we manage every month that I place my needed medications that are not covered by insurance. This month I paid for kineret twice at $150 a piece to equal $300. Then there were my herbs from kamwo pharmacy that totaled $191.
We're up to $500 in health costs but it doesn't stop there.
I purchased books to help X's reading. He's dyslexic and I'm desperate to get him to enjoy reading. Whatever it takes.
So silly me, what did I do instead of having a yard sale to pay my own bills, we raised money for the relay for life! Yes, what we made would have offset my healthcare costs. Instead, Jon has started working overtime again so we don' have to worry. I'm lucky he's willing to make these sacrifices since I so desperately wanted to throw this tournament. Maybe I'll have to do another yard sale to benefit ourselves.
But my craziness didn't stop there. No, it did not. I still haven't recognized I'm in need and instead I asked for scholarships for two local kids to go to soccer camp instead of X because I knew their parents wouldn't ask. I even offered to do marketing to bring more kids in to the soccer camp.
Now, I feel good since all the kids can go and enjoy their camp, but I feel like an ass because I haven't come to terms with our inability to afford it.
Hopefully, my books make The New York Times Best Seller Lists, and possibly, win a pulitzer. Then my family can live out the rest of their lives in relative comfort without fear of losing their health insurance or working until their half dead and buried.
That's really all I want.
Soooo, does any one know an agent or a publisher?
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