X is growing, emotionally and physically, in leaps and bounds, but emotionally he shocks me. Weeks ago when I got a virus starting this spiral he demanded to know "Who gave me the virus?!" Was it taking care of him or was it Dad. Obviously, Dad gets the blame, but this has gone on too long. I'm in too much pain, sleeping too much too early, missing games. He knows something is different. So the tide turned, "You wouldn't have cancer if I wasn't here." X retorted yesterday, in passing of course, as he was changing out of hot tub clothes at nana's. That's always how he drops bombshells, quIck and unexpectedly. He gets it from me. "You were healthy, then I came and you got sick." He made his point. I could see the kid logic, I was diagnosed before he turned 3. All he remembers is sick me and the only thing that changed, in his mind, is him. "No way." I shot back, using the same easy, almost joking light hearted tone he was. "What are you talking about? You're why I'm here! You make me get out of bed and have fun. What would I be doing NOW if you weren't here?" I countered. This is all true. Failure to move, motivate and push yourself kills you. It is a trend I noticed before I got sick. Beyond this, X is the future I see and want to influence most. All these years I've been dreaming about what we'll do, and it's amazing to find there is always more! He's kept me alive. "You'd be with Dad." X said. "Dad is at work!" I screeched, "like everyone else. It's us bud.". With that he was dressed, done, convo over. That's what I get, but the change in him was quick. I crawled into bed, curled in ab pain, by 7:30, like every night, but I forgot my goods: water, juice, apple, meds, meds, meds. I dragged myself miserably out of bed and into the living room where both x and j scrambled to wait on me! X beat out J, walking me back to bed, refusing to hand my meds over until I was where I belonged. Then, he left..... Coming back with ice water and an apple (one of a handful of things I can eat)! My heart breaks that my family has to suffer this with me, but I'm so lucky. J has been amazing, taking over as a parent doing homework nightly, especially spelling and reading, meetings, coaching, even making play dates! Life is absolutely different than we envisioned, but it doesn't have to be awful. Staying up past a bed time, not always eating at the table, letting X play video games I wouldn't for longer than I want, maybe, is all part of life and compromising with a partner, not just being sick. Change is of necessity. We're more flexible. It's how I've stayed alive so far medically. We know our priorities, and hopefully, going with the flow, addressing whatever comes our way, is the best way to cope.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.
He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.
Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."
I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.
I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."