Silly me, silly me. My bad.
Thank you those who commented to let me know you are reading.
I have been going through a period of questioning whether my transparency is worth some of the personal problems it has caused.
I’ve been grappling with if being open and honest about my disease process and our families’ coping is worth some of the public backlash and repercussions.
When I started writing, I knew there would be opinions regarding me, my behaviors, and view of the world.
I was absolutely ready to accept this to allow people insight into how it feels to suffer from cancer, especially as a young mother and woman who is highly educated in health care.
I thought I could give a perspective and information for free that many may not otherwise afford.
I wanted to lessen the information asymmetry between provider and patient so patients would not have such a strong, paralyzing fear of treatment and the unknown.
What I did not foresee, is that people would feel free to comment and say hurtful things not only about me, but my entire family, including Alexis and Xander.
This is not something I am willing to accept, even though they both love and swear I’m a celebrity, I do not want to put children in a position to be hurt from my decisions.
However, the kids are a huge part of my life.
I can’t write, be open, honest, and transparent without talking about how cancer is affecting my entire family and everyone around me.
So what was I supposed to do with all these questions?
I finally figured it out.
I’m not going to stop writing. I’m also not going to continue writing but only publishing my weakest thoughts.
I’ve been holding back. I had decided that if my thoughts are going to be trouble, I should at least hide some and get paid later through book sales. At least this would ensure the long term care of the children.
It’s taken a while, but I’ve decided, despite what a few people say, I am comfortable with how I live my life. I am a good, loving mother and aunt that is doing the best I can with our difficult situation.
Actually, for all you who may be hating out there, I doing damn well.
I have more experience with health issues and childhood development than most. What I do is based on rationales supported by scientific evidence. You can all say what you will, but I am comfortable with my actions.
I live my life in accordance with my values. I sleep well at night.
However, I am a she-bear when it comes to the children.
I was once told “You can take a girl out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the girl” or, let me write it with the Puerto Rican, Jackson Heights accent he had, "Ya can take the gurl out tha 'hood, but ya can't take tha 'hood out tha gurl."
I didn’t believe it. I’m a country girl. I vacationed, freelanced, researched the projects. I wasn’t really in it.
I’ve come to find the man who said this was right. I want to make this clear. Feel free to say what you want about me, but don’t you dare involve the kids.
I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to go back to allowing myself to feel the strong rare emotions that make any writing powerful and great so you can all understand the experience we, as a family, are having.
Thank you those who commented to let me know you are reading.
I have been going through a period of questioning whether my transparency is worth some of the personal problems it has caused.
I’ve been grappling with if being open and honest about my disease process and our families’ coping is worth some of the public backlash and repercussions.
When I started writing, I knew there would be opinions regarding me, my behaviors, and view of the world.
I was absolutely ready to accept this to allow people insight into how it feels to suffer from cancer, especially as a young mother and woman who is highly educated in health care.
I thought I could give a perspective and information for free that many may not otherwise afford.
I wanted to lessen the information asymmetry between provider and patient so patients would not have such a strong, paralyzing fear of treatment and the unknown.
What I did not foresee, is that people would feel free to comment and say hurtful things not only about me, but my entire family, including Alexis and Xander.
This is not something I am willing to accept, even though they both love and swear I’m a celebrity, I do not want to put children in a position to be hurt from my decisions.
However, the kids are a huge part of my life.
I can’t write, be open, honest, and transparent without talking about how cancer is affecting my entire family and everyone around me.
So what was I supposed to do with all these questions?
I finally figured it out.
I’m not going to stop writing. I’m also not going to continue writing but only publishing my weakest thoughts.
I’ve been holding back. I had decided that if my thoughts are going to be trouble, I should at least hide some and get paid later through book sales. At least this would ensure the long term care of the children.
It’s taken a while, but I’ve decided, despite what a few people say, I am comfortable with how I live my life. I am a good, loving mother and aunt that is doing the best I can with our difficult situation.
Actually, for all you who may be hating out there, I doing damn well.
I have more experience with health issues and childhood development than most. What I do is based on rationales supported by scientific evidence. You can all say what you will, but I am comfortable with my actions.
I live my life in accordance with my values. I sleep well at night.
However, I am a she-bear when it comes to the children.
I was once told “You can take a girl out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the girl” or, let me write it with the Puerto Rican, Jackson Heights accent he had, "Ya can take the gurl out tha 'hood, but ya can't take tha 'hood out tha gurl."
I didn’t believe it. I’m a country girl. I vacationed, freelanced, researched the projects. I wasn’t really in it.
I’ve come to find the man who said this was right. I want to make this clear. Feel free to say what you want about me, but don’t you dare involve the kids.
I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to go back to allowing myself to feel the strong rare emotions that make any writing powerful and great so you can all understand the experience we, as a family, are having.
3 comments:
It is never easy being different Hillary ... but you know that. I think what you are doing is admirable. The truth is, you are inviting comments from others ... & it doesn't surprise me that some will have differing opinions.
However, I would hope that they might take a lesson from my Grandmother (who was my best friend) ... it is okay to disagree, however that doesn't excuse being disagreeable.
I have always hoped that when you put yourself out there, that people would conduct themselves according to my Grandmother's rule ... but that isn't always the case.
I admire that you have elected to continue to put yourself out there ... even knowing that. The deal we had was to try make a difference in our own little corner of the world. And you are surely doing that.
So you go girl!! You make me proud!!
F
Hillary,
I couldn't agree with 'F' more! You have taken that risk of exposing yourself (and your family) in the hopes of educating others about the day to day life of a young mother living with cancer, but to help yourself through this long process.
Keep on writing! You have impacted so many lives already, and ignore those few that lack the impulse control to judge and condemn.
We are there for you in mind , spirit and prayers!
Eileen
I think you should take the "haters" as a compliment. It's a sign that you're pushing people's buttons, and they are buttons that need to be pushed. Keep being brave and bold, and keep telling your truth. This is your space. If people don't like it, they don't have to read your blog.
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