Humbling Myself

It has been more than five years now that I have suffered from cancer and endured the worst, rarest side effects from nonstop therapy trying to keep this malicious disease at bay, and still I feel guilty when I can't take the pressure: emotionally, physically, and financially, anymore.

I'm embarrassed when I have to ask for help, any help at all.

Instead I cope by trying to make everything ok, for everyone else.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to humble myself, to say clearly that I'm the one who needs help. I don't want to have to work on the side: make jewelry or write for fear I won't have the means to survive. I want to do the things I love, stress free at this point.

I don't know why I continue to offer favors to healthy able bodied people when I'm the one that needs help. 

I even feel guilty complaining about it now. I've been spraying myself with Holy Water all day and asking for strength.

 I think pain, suffering, and neediness are relative.

 They are all what the individual makes of them, they are how the person feels them.

 If someone comes to me with a crisis, sobbing or scared, even if it's a problem that wouldn't register on my radar, it's a problem that needs tlc. I want to give that person love, affection, and attention just like I would want.

But still, after 5 years, I have not found a way to express my own helplessness, depression or loss. I want someone to give me TLC. I just don't even know how to start the conversation to ask. I'm like an emotional deaf mute. I can probably choke out "I feel sad," but that's as far as it goes.

I know I have problems seeking help when I'm in need due to past situations where I've been called selfish, needy, and basically a one-way user, but I know I am not those things.

For a period of time, I wrongfully thought that fighting my disease gave me a pass to focus on myself, not at them detriment of others, but to heal peacefully as I needed.

The world can't even give a woman suffering from cancer amidst treatment a break.

I don't want to become bitter, but slowly it has crept into my life. I do find myself thinking, "Ha, now maybe you'll understand, just a little" when someone complains to me how exhausted they are when they have to care for a sick child or when they can't go out late and need to adjust their plans to dinner because they're too fatigued, even due to something as special as pregnancy to do something they enjoy. 

These last couple sentences are just venting. I've cut ties with most people that made me feel terrible and weak for needing assistance, but not all. 

But these are all issues I hope to work on.

I'm human. I'm imperfect. I bring some of this suffering on myself.

Thank you so much for those of you who came through and donated to get me by this week. I am going to be able to see Dr. Wong because of your generosity!

Thank. I'm so blessed to have wonderful people looking out for me. I had hoped, with writing, that in times of crisis, like now, I would be able to ask for assistance to get through.

You've come through for me. I guess I won't lose my faith in the goodness of humanity today.

Off the subject, but in better news, I actually helped coach my soccer team, Sweden, a group of 2nd and 3rd graders last night.

I only lasted a half hour, but I was able to talk and assist in running drills and showing moves! Last year I wasn't even capable to walking to the field!

I am still cursing that most soccer fields are not handicapped accessible, even with motorized wheelchairs. Even worse, non-handicapped people constantly steal the parking spots at Monadnock Park in claremont.

This makes me want to do things to severely inconvenience them the way they are inconveniencing me. Hopefully, the spots will be signed better in the future.