The problem with drugs is that you think you can do things.... But you can't. Let's take Mon. For example.
I knew I had a PET scan.
I knew I'd be getting xanax and can't handle it.
DHMC gives xanax prior to PET scans because it interferes with the uptake of the metobolites into the brown fat of a person which can gve a false positive.
Can everybody tell that at somepoint I had to memorize that and now I think you all shoud know?
Xanax sedates me.
I thought I'd get out at 11 and hit up my friend that works there.
Well..... I got out at 11, but it didn't look like 11.
I'm pretty sure that's bc iot was 11:09, not 11.
So I didn't even bother trying to get her.
Lunch. It was lunch time. That's what I knew had to happen during this period. So I did somehow manage to get myself soup and crackers.
I don't remember how.
I don't remember much.
I remember flashes, and honestly, what I remember is not accurate.
This has been happening because of my ativan again. I have ativan amnesia.
I would swear during my last hospitalization that dr. Simon came in and told me that I had a huge clot in my lung, but he didn't.
He said the opposite.
The only reason I know this is bc I've been told.
Unfortunately, this is how monday went, but i didn't have someone with me to take over.
I know I saw both marc and anna but that's it.
I asked permission to get down from the assessment table.
I asked for a chemo break.
But mostly I've got nothin'.
Don't know my PET results. Don't know the plan.
Type A me can't handle not knowing if my bone marrow failure will reoccur. If my tumor shrunk, that's good news. The chemo is working.
But if it just stayed the same. . . all that means is my bone marrow has failed and I should be getting my damn neupogen.
I was discharged thinking I'd get neupogen every two weeks too, but that's not anything I've received.
I'm frustrated and I'm mostly frustrated bc I was so sick I couldn't process the information and now there is no one around to clarify.
Feel my frustration for me. I can't take it anymore.