Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Problem with Drugs


 The problem with drugs is that you think you can do things.... But you can't. Let's take Mon. For example.
I knew I had a PET scan. 
I knew I'd be getting xanax and can't handle it. 
DHMC gives xanax prior to PET scans because it interferes with the uptake of the metobolites into the brown fat of a person which can gve a false positive. 
Can everybody tell that at somepoint I had to memorize that and now I think you all shoud know? 
Xanax sedates me. 
When I'm not pasing out I'm doing whatever I'm told. Can't make a decision to save my life. 
I thought I'd get out at 11 and hit up my friend that works there.
 Well..... I got out at 11, but it didn't look like 11.
 I'm pretty sure that's bc iot was 11:09, not 11.
 So I didn't even bother trying to get her. 
Lunch. It was lunch time. That's what I knew had to happen during this period. So I did somehow manage to get myself soup and crackers. 
I don't remember how. 
I don't remember much.
I remember flashes, and honestly, what I remember is not accurate. 
This has been happening because of my ativan again. I have ativan amnesia.
I would swear during my last hospitalization that dr. Simon came in and told me that I had a huge clot in my lung, but he didn't. 
He said the opposite.
The only reason I know this is bc I've been told.
 Unfortunately, this is how monday went, but i didn't have someone with me to take over.
 I know I saw both marc and anna but that's it. 
I asked permission to get down from the assessment table.
I asked for a chemo break. 
But mostly I've got nothin'. 
Don't know my PET results. Don't know the plan. 
I'm floundering.
 Type A me can't handle not knowing if my bone marrow failure will reoccur. If my tumor shrunk, that's good news. The chemo is working. 
But if it just stayed the same. . . all that means is my bone marrow has failed and I should be getting my damn neupogen.
I was discharged thinking I'd get neupogen every two weeks too, but that's not anything I've received. 
I'm frustrated and I'm mostly frustrated bc I was so sick I couldn't process the information and now there is no one around to clarify. 
Ugh.
Feel my frustration for me. I can't take it anymore.

1 comment:

stonepost said...

Hillary, my God, they are practicing on you.I was lucky, if you can call it that. Same H.L. cancer, to my spleen and spline, 12 voodoo chemo cocktails, fifty pounds lighter and so near the fires'edge I could taste the flames, and I am still alive. My hands are toast and feet are numb, part of the collateral damage with a chemical grenade. It helps to laugh, not at you, no self-laughter here, this is not funny. You must laugh though and pray for a cure made of Brandy Wine or something other than the mustard gas that it really is made from. I wish they would practice on something else or someone else. I will follow you, you lead and we will get lost together and it will be fun!