The Problem with Drugs

 The problem with drugs is that you think you can do things.... But you can't. Let's take Mon. For example.

I knew I had a PET scan. 

I knew I'd be getting xanax and can't handle it. 

DHMC gives xanax prior to PET scans because it interferes with the uptake of the metobolites into the brown fat of a person which can gve a false positive. 

Can everybody tell that at somepoint I had to memorize that and now I think you all shoud know? 

Xanax sedates me. 

When I'm not pasing out I'm doing whatever I'm told. Can't make a decision to save my life. 

I thought I'd get out at 11 and hit up my friend that works there.

 Well..... I got out at 11, but it didn't look like 11.

 I'm pretty sure that's bc iot was 11:09, not 11.

 So I didn't even bother trying to get her. 

Lunch. It was lunch time. That's what I knew had to happen during this period. So I did somehow manage to get myself soup and crackers. 

I don't remember how. 

I don't remember much.

I remember flashes, and honestly, what I remember is not accurate. 

This has been happening because of my ativan again. I have ativan amnesia.

I would swear during my last hospitalization that dr. Simon came in and told me that I had a huge clot in my lung, but he didn't. 

He said the opposite.

The only reason I know this is bc I've been told.

 Unfortunately, this is how monday went, but i didn't have someone with me to take over.

 I know I saw both marc and anna but that's it. 

I asked permission to get down from the assessment table.

I asked for a chemo break. 

But mostly I've got nothin'. 

Don't know my PET results. Don't know the plan. 

I'm floundering.

 Type A me can't handle not knowing if my bone marrow failure will reoccur. If my tumor shrunk, that's good news. The chemo is working. 

But if it just stayed the same. . . all that means is my bone marrow has failed and I should be getting my damn neupogen.

I was discharged thinking I'd get neupogen every two weeks too, but that's not anything I've received. 

I'm frustrated and I'm mostly frustrated bc I was so sick I couldn't process the information and now there is no one around to clarify. 

Ugh.

Feel my frustration for me. I can't take it anymore.