Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Monday, September 21, 2009



I’ve been granted a reprieve.

No chemo for me this week!!

I really am beginning to feel like my cancer & treatment are one big ball and chain. The bracelette that gets slapped on, that's my handcuff or the patient equivalent of a "hospital arrest" tracker.

Take your pick.

My cancer is in remission.

It is not a necessity to administer the chemotherapy right now.

My cancer is not causing my imminent danger.

Complaints like my lungs and the inability to breathe were.

I don’t know if I could have emotionally gone through being sick another couple of weeks.

I think I would have forgotten what it was like to be healthy.

When I forget what this is like, I forget what I’m fighting for.

What’s a woman to do confronted with SEVEN FULL DAYS of health?

I got a flu shot, got a prescription filled, and went to lunch with my official Monday chemo buddy, Steph, my cousin.

That was until Steph felt nauseas and we had to leave.

I have to say, I enjoyed being able to cater to somebody else when they weren’t feeling well.

My plan for my twenties, my career, was to cater to others and ease their suffering.

It’s a big slap in the face to have the tables flipped on you.

It’s a sick joke for destiny to say, “ah-ha, you get to be the one taken care of.”

One may think that after 3.5 years of illness this feeling would go away.

It never really does.

There are constant mourning for losses with each treatment, remission, and relapse.

Thank goodness, I have finally vented.

I got whatever terrible depression that has been plaguing me off my chest.

Let’s pray it doesn’t come back.

I have experienced bouts of depression before where I would sit, cry, and wonder what would happen to me and my family.

I would wonder how I cam to be in such a bad situation.

This kind of emotional catastrophe happens at least once per treatment.

Sorry to be the one to admit it.

I hope people can understand feelings of loss, hopelessness, and anhedonia (not enjoying ANYTHING) are common in cancer cases, almost expected.

If you are in a situation like mine and you do not have occasional freak-outs, you’re just not getting the entire picture. You're not paying attention

Now, I picked up the kitchen and thrown in a load of laundry. I put away the groceries J brought home and am currently cooking dinner!

FYI- if I can cook dinner I am doing okay.


linda keenan said...

hillary, this is what makes your voice compelling: that you DO admit all that stuff. even if it makes some healthy people uncomfortable. to them i say tough. hallelujah and have a great week.

shannon said...

glad you get a break this week, love you hill!!!!!