I want out of my life. I’m going to trade it in for a better model. This was not how it was supposed to go. Somebody, somewhere, must have made a big mistake.
I’m trying to be cool. I’m trying to remain calm, but if that damn alarm goes off one more time, I think I may hurl it out the window.
I’m not permitted to program the pumps. It’s not my license. I don’t have a license anymore. I have not worked in over two years. I have to push silence and call the nurse. I’m a professional cancer patient, not a nurse.
I have a nurse in her twenties. She’s the one with the license, with the job, and her whole future ahead of her.
I’ve never been jealous before. I have always had what I wanted, and if I didn’t have it, I knew I could get it. Now, I have to watch everybody else live, lives I may have had.
I won’t be working as a nurse for over three years by the time I heal. Everything I worked so hard for will be gone. All the knowledge I attained.
I’ve never spent more than three years attempting to accomplish anything. I graduated from high school in three years. I graduated from college in three years. I have a short attention span. I always have a plan for something more. Now everything is on pause.
This wasn’t what I saw when I talked about what I would be doing when I grew up. This wasn’t how I envisioned my twenties.
I call a “redo.” I’m questioning my life. I’m questioning all the decisions I’ve made.
I don’t even know what I want out of life. I have never been in this place before. I’ve always known exactly what I wanted. I knew exactly where I was going. I have never had trouble accomplishing anything I put my mind to.
Now I’m on lock in an 18’x15’ room, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t send my disease into remission with my mind. I can’t make my life disappear. I can’t change my situation.
I don’t feel blessed today. I feel screwed. I feel lost.
I try to stay positive, but underneath the surface, I’m scared I’ll lose everything. I’m scared I’ll lose my functionality, a fate worse than death. I try not to think about the possibilities of lung or kidney failure. I try not to think about any possibility that will keep me dependent and tied to a machine.
I still wonder where I will draw the line. I wonder how far my treatment can go before I call “uncle” and head home.
I hope I never have to make this choice. I’ve always been an all or nothing type of girl. If I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it right, go head first, and full throttle.
Everybody keeps telling me I don’t have to make any decisions now. I don’t have to think about this, and they’re right. I’m going to sleep this feeling off. I’m going to let time tell.
Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.
He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.
Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."
I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.
I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."