Thanks for the “mental hugs” and “good vibes” everyone has been sending. They’ve reached me. Thanks for the compliments and the love. If anybody is wondering, no I haven’t lost my smile. I still have the same one you remember. That will not change no matter how much I go through.
I think I think too much. My brain is starting to get foggy. It’s getting harder to write. I’m starting to see terrible things in my text, like, typos and misspelled words!
I’m sad today. I’m feeling nostalgic. I’m looking back on my life. I’m redoing my whole life in my head. I’m wishing I was anywhere else but here.
I can’t see the end of this anymore. The light at the end of the tunnel looks different than it did in the beginning.
I’m emotional. I hate this fact. I was never the type of person to allow emotions to interfere. When I was hiding how I felt, I thought I looked strong. I wasn’t. It’s far more difficult for me to cry than it is to put a smile on my face and keep moving. If I cry that means I’m thinking about my situation and realizing the ramifications.
If I’m writing I’m bearing my soul. I’m exposing myself at my weakest. I was always so private, but now I want everybody to see what cancer is like. I want everybody to know. I want others to know they’re not alone.
I don’t see where I am going to go from here. I don’t have long term goals the way I did. There has been too many time that I’ve gotten myself excited, thinking about the future, a future in remission, a future cured, where I can go on with my life, only to be let down.
I’m in limbo. I’m starting to wish I’d meet my tipping point, where I’ll either be healed or die. I’ve always been an all-or-nothing type of girl. I never thought heal or die would be my options in my twenties.
I’m wondering what everything I did before this was worth. What was all my hard work for if this was always where I would end? What, exactly, was the point?
I usually understand the purpose, but not when I’m on the inside looking out. Maybe, I’ll have an epiphany 10 years from now and think, “Oh, that was why this all happened to me.”
Does any of this make sense? My father is starting to say I’ve begun my mental decline, and that you can tell in my writing.
I hate that. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
In all honesty, major mental deficits are a deal breaker in my treatment. I want to live, but I want to live being me. I want to live being able to think.
I know, some people probably go their whole lives without ever thinking, but I don’t want that kind of existence.
Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.
He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.
Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."
I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.
I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."