Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

APOLOGY

WHOA. I don’t know how many people read me. I certainly assumed the weekend is my slowest time. Here is a HUGE APOLOGY.
I can’t believe I threatened to ban the entire source of my self esteem. There is no way to get a gigantic Cheshire cat grin on my face faster than by saying “I love your blog” or “I read you everyday.”
I’m smiling just thinking about me. The comments, support, and love from people is what keeps me going day in and day out. It’s what I focus on when I question if I should cut treatment off and die.
I want to live because you think I’m doing great things.
Since I’m human, as we all are, I also just have to learn to take the good with the bad. Not everybody is going to like me, my ideas, or what I have to say. This is fine, I just didn’t predict it would be people so close to me.
I’m gritting my teeth and keeping it moving.
I feel crazy.
I know some of you would agree.
I also think I’m disclosing more than most.
If we all told our dirty little secrets, or inner most fears, if we allowed the world to see ourselves day in and day out and track every mood swing, we’d all be certifiable.
Craziness would just be normal.
I can’t believe I threatened to cyber banish everybody I love. Let’s blame it on cancer, chemo, narcotics, stress or what ever else. I have all sorts of excuses.
Can I pull the cancer card on this one? I hear it’s accepted everywhere and it has not expired yet.
I have said hurtful, mean things in the past to force people, who I thought were getting to close, to go away.
It’s a primal defense mechanism. I’ll hurt you before you hurt me. I thought I was over coping like that.
I also never thought I would do it en masse to thousands of people who love, support, and are interested in me.
I’m like live TV that someone didn’t edit in time. My bad. I apologize. Everybody please forgive me.
I never thought I’d have so many people listening to what I had to say. You are all validating my worth as a person. I love it. I hope I am giving you social tools and experiences you can translate too. I hope I’m giving you something great. I’m giving you myself. Hopefully that is enough since it is all I have right now.

1 comment:

brynn said...

Of course it's enough! I am behind you all the time no matter what! Everyone has bad days. You're allowed. I think you are in dire need of some Sex in the City with the girls! :) Maybe that will have to happen this week. :) Call if you need to! :) Love you Hil!