Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A Case of WTF

Good news. Despite the SEVERE abdominal pain I was experiencing, the diarrhea, and the change in blood tests, my CT did not show any evidence of graft vs. host disease. Every culture taken was normal.
My medications have been changed slightly. I will be taken Bactrim, an antibiotic that is used to prevent “PCP” a specific type of pneumonia. I will continue to take the Augmentin (another antibiotic). My acyclovir (to scare away viruses) is getting refilled.
Whenever I present with cramping & diarrhea I am automatically tested for C. Difficile. This is a problem caused by long term use of anti-biotics. The anti-biotics kill the normal, good, protective flora in the bowel thus causing diarrhea.
It was C. Diff. It doesn’t look like GVHD.
I have a case of WTF (What the F***, if you didn’t know).
Either way, WTF is getting better. My nausea is controlled. My pain is far better.
My pain yesterday was a “10” on a scale of one to ten. It brought tears to my eyes. I cried from the pain. I rarely do this. I’m not generally a crier, but the pain was too much.
Now, it’s about a “3” after eating. I have taken my pain medication and it is beginning to work.
Thanks for your love and support while I’m here in the hospital. These occurrences do cause a lot of fear.
I won’t lie, I won’t deny, this time I did run through all the worst case scenarios. It hurt so badly. I couldn’t keep it under control.
I was thinking, “What if my bowel is going to perforate (blow up) and I’ll need a bowel surgery? What if it perforates while I’m driving to Boston and there’s no hospital? What if I’m treated in some strange boone dock hospital? “
“Where the hell is my morphine? I forgot my pain meds and I can’t make myself feel any better. I better be knocked out through this. I hope they understand that comfort is a main priority and I won’t be making decisions. I could need a bowel surgery. What if I need a bowel surgery? There are so many different ways that could go wrong. I am never recover. I may not survive.” AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
“I told Xander I would be home tonight! My damn cell phone is dying and I did bring the damn charger. How am I going to talk to X? His first Christmas concert is on Friday and I’m going to miss it.”
Sobs. The only thing that will break my heart is thinking I may hurt X.
“Oooohhhh, I hurt so bad. I wish I could just die. Ooopps. No, sorry, didn’t mean that. I don’t want to die, God. I just don’t want to be in pain. MAKE IT STOP!!”
This is generally what goes through my head when I’m in severe pain and want it fixed. I think, maybe, other people’s minds may function similarly?
I’ve tried to train my brain. I want my inner voice as strong as possible during these catastrophes. I focus on how the problem will be fixed and I will be taken care of once I’m in the right hands.
Low and behold, once I did get in the right hands, I slowly started to recover. I’m feeling better. I got out of bed and went for a small walk today. I’m not taking pain meds like candy from a pez dispenser.
I may be so good that I could be released tomorrow! My CT was clean. I’m moving and eating a bit. I’m drinking some. Go me!
Lucky me, generally, as sick and terrible looking as I present, I can recover quickly. I’m good.


Danielle ( Woodman) Smith said...

Hey girl I hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Hill ... & proud of you for the fighting spirit. Good talking with you today ... & just know that a lot of us out here are pulling for you.

You go girl ... & hope you get out of there tomorrow.

You ROCK!!


emjay. said...

Who let's their cell phone die, that's just reckless abandon!!! aahahaha. I'm sorry that's the first thing I thought of. I'm sorry you were hurting so bad!! :/ Hope all will be well soon enough, you are one tough cookie. The good news is you are now in sidication here in COLORADO, woot!!