Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Taking what I can get

“There are people out there like you, I just haven’t met them” -JF about me

Dr. Alyea found the one topic that WILL make me cry.
I think he caught that I was upset, but I changed the subject very quickly before I got pouty and started to sobbing.
I can’t wreck my tough girl image in front of the big guy.
I just couldn’t have another person who sees sick cancer patients day-in and day-out pitying my situation.
I think he knew I was upset, on some level, since he thought when I said “cavities” that I said “pouty,” as in when I said, “I’m getting cavities,” he said, “What?! Oh, I thought you said pouty.”
Maybe a miscommunication like this is just that, a miscommunication, but if it’s not, it’s him revealing what his subconscious knows through a “mistake.”
What is this delicate subject?
It’s the kids in my life, and how I’m missing out on raising them the way I would.
Nothing will bring me to tears faster than being forced to talk about how it is “iffy” whether I can even attend their ball games and “out of the question” to coach.
I, like everybody else, had an idea, dreams, and goals about how I would help mold the children I love. Those ideas have fallen by the wayside behind my illness and treatment.
It is the one subject that I don’t think I will ever stop crying about. It is very easy for me not to feel bad for myself, it is very difficult to look around the world, see people you care for, and know you are helpless to do what you want to care for them.
I’m dealing with this with technology. I keep tabs on their accomplishments via video camera. X and Lex can come home and show me the video. They can describe what they were thinking, what they did, and what they were feeling at the time.
I’ll take what I can get.
Want to see them, I’ll try to upload some videos for you.


As for my NEW YEAR’S EVE plans, I’ve navigated the loopholes, again, to be safe and have fun.
A few close friends will come by with their kids (these people qualify as "regulars" who I am in contact almost daily, so they get special exceptions). We’ll make homemade pizza, have the kids go crazy, maybe go to a neighbor’s bonfire (I can be outside without restrictions, but that sounds damn cold), and play some card games.
I’m learning how to play poker, thanks to Killy giving me a “Bad Ass Girl’s Guide to Poker” for Christmas. Check the picture out.

We'll also be making some SPECIAL DRINKS for me. I'm thinking of calling it a "Cancertini." Maybe, I'll come up with some other drinks too (non-alcoholic for now. Who needs liquor when I'm you're prescribed like me?), because I do like variety. I hear it's the spice of life.

I'll post up the "Cancer Cocktails" I make later.


I’m sending a whole lot of love out to the world today and for the rest of the year. How about you send some back?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year, Hillary!

I hope that 2009 is your best year ever!

I want photos of you out there coaching those kids.

Carol

Dani said...

Happy New Year girl, I hope you had a good night.