My Weakness

I think I found my isolation weakness, the one thing on the “no” list that I may not be able to comply with.
I think what it is may surprise some of you.
It’s cleaning.
Yes, cleaning. I can’t take not cleaning myself when I’m healthy enough.
I did start to clean the upstairs for holiday guests. Specifically, Heather & Co., but you never know who else may come along and want to stay. I’m talking about you Steph. I haven’t heard from you in a while and the bedroom for you and Dylan is getting set up.
If my house is a mess, so am I. They directly correlate. If you see clutter, I’m not on my game. I’m just not myself.
I did not dust or vacuum.
I am trying to resist going to the basement to do all the laundry.
I think this is all a quick way to kill myself.
I’ve infected myself like this before, around the same time two years ago. I decided to clear out the basement so X and I could play basketball, soccer, or baseball inside during the winter.
A week later my parotid glands swelled so badly my face was a little unrecognizable. I had some ulcers through out my GI tract. I ignored these until my grandparents showed up for the holidays.
I called my NP in the previous days and convinced her I didn’t need to be seen when I did. After what happened, I promised myself I would never do this again.
My face swelled, along with my abdomen, which bloated so much I looked at least 7 months pregnant. I think I maxed out pain medication options. I was receiving 2mg of morphine every 5 minutes and was still in severe, excruciating pain.
I had nystagmus, an often ominous sign of neurological problems, like an intracranial (brain) bleed. I don’t think this was ever explained.
I sent out “I love you” calls and texts for Christmas, then when I felt better I didn’t remember doing this and couldn’t understand why everybody cried or gasped in delight when I called them relatively healthy.
I hope I never get to the point where I do this again, but just in case, people do need to know I love them despite how this act must scare and sadden them.
I do get sick around Christmas. I have for as long as I can remember. One of my first holiday memories is lying on the floor watching “Scrooged” with my mom, missing the circus with the other kids due to a respiratory infection.
I probably should have mentioned my long term lung issues upfront, but I always chose to ignore them. I deal with them as they come.
Not so easy as a cancer patient.
So I’m going to call some friends and see if they have time to help prep my house, and work to not jeopardize all that I have fought for.