Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

X's Therapist (HE HAS ONE!!)

I found X a therapist. I like her and do not intend to fire her for being an idiot.
I never intend to fire anyone. It just happens.
I would say it is because I'm too judgmental, but I'm not judgmental. I don't care what anybody really does in their personal life, as long as it's not hurting anyone else.
For professionals, I have a whole set of different rules.
I want them to treat me as I would.
She did get teary eyed when I told her our history and our current situation.
This is generally a huge "no-no" in my book.
I always thought, if I were to cross this line, I'd have to refer the patient to another provider who can give the appropriate distanced perspective.
Then I think, she’s human, and we’re a sad story. Most people cry when they hear about us from me.
This is fine. We're a train wreck.
I have big shoulders. I'm okay with this, but only if there is some kind of reason, some great master plan.
Maybe, if I stand up, someone somewhere will not have to suffer the isolation, the loneliness, the fear, and the emotional and financial burdens I bare.
And do I really want someone cold treating my child?
If anything, her empathy for my family will work as a motivator. I can tell she genuinely wants to help.
I'm concerned she'll become personally invested. I'm concerned she may project her emotions onto us. I am concerned for her, as I'm scared for every other person who begins to care about me and my family in our fragile state.

I wrote this about three weeks ago.
I’ve written about this since then, but never finished. That says: X is back from his second therapy appointment. He’s been crying for an hour. He’s sobbing hysterically now.
He’s regressive.
He behaves like he’s three: he cries, he whines, he throws temper tantrums. His speech is improving little by little.
I have no idea what to do or where to go from here.
I didn’t expect a reaction this early and this strong. I hope she has ideas on how to cope.
I’m really lucky to hae her, along with the great staff at his school. He’s lucky to have so many who care.
So this morning, I was thinking:
This woman is good.
No, you can’t have her number until I ask her permission.
X came home last week and had a major melt down.
She’s all ready effective. That’s amazing
X is in the “I hate you just go away” stage of coping. I’ve been sick long enough. He’s been too scared of losing me for too long. He wants me to leave and get it over with so he doesn’t have to worry anymore.
He yells at me when I cough. He told me he was worried about me dying.
J and I do the best we can with this. We try to show solidarity. We try to alleviate his fears.
Sometimes, when he starts with the “I hate you” talk I tell him , “I love you and nothing you can do will ever stop that.”
He’s broken down in crisis after I’ve said this.
He sat in the corner sobbing, “I’m a bad son!” for fifteen minutes. Whoa. That is a major mood swing.
Hopefully, this woman can help us respond to our son therapeutically. We’re just doing the best we can with what we have. That’s all anyone ever can do.

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