Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Ode to My (s)mother- family relations

I had a PET scan this am. I had been spiking fevers in the evening and the am. My cheeks were flushed. I was concerned my cancer had come back. I live in fear of a reoccurrence prior to my transplant that would diminish my odds of survival.
The PET scan was clean! Good news, but now I feel a little like an idiot for being so nervous. I know this feeling is probably unfounded because I’m not paranoid if my body REALLY IS out to get me (thanks for the quotable Dr. G).
Nurse Pat also told me I was right to call, which was reassuring, but I still hate the process.
The worst part of my cancer is notifying my family when something goes wrong. My (s)mother’s voice rises, she asks a hundred questions and repeats them indefinitely until I either phone my health care team for her or stop talking to her all together. She’ll call ten times daily, and it better not even cross my mind not to answer, or else she’ll be over as soon as she’s out of work. It’s hard to keep a strong face on for her. I want to be the one freaking out.
Jon puts on his stone face, but his shoulders sink. He starts to pout. He goes into Eeyore mode where everything is a downer. There is no silver lining to his cloud. He vents his frustration on Xander or me. It makes staying positive difficult.
The worst thing about this is, between these two I am not allowed to go anywhere by myself. I have no freedom. If I want to cry it’s usually quietly in bed. If I need to think, I’ll hide in the bathroom. I can’t keep this façade up forever.
Early on in my diagnosis, I was told my confidence was contagious. I’m still hopeful, but it’s getting a lot harder and the obvious anxiety and pity on the faces of everyone I see only makes it worse.
The rest of the reactions of my family are manageable. My father plays on his tractor. My sister also calls 10 times a day, but she makes me laugh and keeps it short. Yanellie only calls 3 times weekly, and Jen gets a pass for being the matriarch of X’s new surrogate family.
Being diagnosed at 23 poses some problems. I had been independent as far as having a family, a job, and a home, but more and more of my peers are staying with the parents until their late twenties. When cancer hit me my mom went back into overdrive, 10x more overprotective than when I was in college.
I used to “forget” to tell her about my appointments so I could control my own medical care. When she started to catch on, I’d invite acceptable caretakers. Now she comes to all my appointments. I try to go by myself. I like the independence. I like my doctors and nurses and think we have a dynamic alone that is not present when my (s)mother is present. But I also need to keep in mind what is best for her. I know she just wants what is best for me.
So here I go, round two tomorrow. It’s fighting time. I'm on my was to Dana Farber and I’m feeling lucky. Remember to keep cheering me on. I’ll be looking out for you.

8 comments:

Meaghan said...

Ahhhhhhh, (s)mothers.. Aren't they the best ;) Yay for a clean PET scan - now go in there and kick ass!! We're ALL rooting you on Hill!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Hillary - FYI: "Hope for Hillary" Yard sale at my house on Sunday for ya! Kids are baking! We will be thinking of you and praying for you. Meantime, you hold on tight to all those good thoughts & memories of family, friends, X, soccer - Go get em Hillary!!!!!

Karen Walker & Family

Anonymous said...

Hey Hill!
I'm rooting for you! I know you've busted out your boxing gloves and the bitch is goin' down! The people at Dana Farb. don't know what they have coming :) You're going to do amazing!
All my love
Your NH & New Rock Girl
Lauren

Anonymous said...

Oh, Hillary.....if you think your (s)mother is bad, you need to compare notes with Chelsea. You are so lucky to have the mom you do. She helped make you the person you are....strong enough to handle all this CRAP!

We're thinking of you and will be sure to attend the fundraising dinner on Sat. night.

You GO girl!!!

Alanna

Frank said...

Lest there be any doubt what this old war horse thinks ...

HILLARY ROCKS!!

It was so great to talk with you this morning ... you gave new meaning to a beautiful sunrise.

Stay strong Hill ... remember, there is only 1 acceptible outcome ... fight & you will overcome this horrible disease. And remember, as discouraging as it may seem ... the end is worth enduring the pain of the fight.

Anonymous said...

STAY STRONG!!!!! WE are all thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Hillary,
You are so lucky to have the family and mother you have!! Stay strong!

Love Emilee

Anonymous said...

I like that... (s)mother. My (s)mother doesn't let me out of her sight. It's getting old and fast!